


Domestic

by heech



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: F/F, emetophobia warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-03-19 04:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3597240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heech/pseuds/heech
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after they get together, nothing really changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for my darling son. lately i have been plunged face first back into homin fandom and i just had to write about domestic homin because that is what i am all about.

"Ichijouji-san, you have a wife right? Don’t you hate when you run out of food and then you _have_ to go to the store at like 2 a.m. because you didn’t look at how long the movie was going to be on Netflix and you both end up going to a convenience store and getting a lot of snacks, and your partner knows you’re on a diet but you do it anyway because they’re laughing and putting five bags of chips in the basket that they don’t personally eat but know you love? I think everyone who is close with someone knows what I’m talking about."

Changmin gets frustrated trying to explain, turning red as the host nods more shocked than understanding.

"So are you mad about that, or do you like it? Changmin-san, I don’t really understand," the host responds. "Usually my wife just hits me with a wooden spoon if I don’t eat."

The audience laughs at the joke, and so does Yunho, but he’s looking right at Changmin like he’s simultaneously a puppy, a kitten, and a baby in a cuddlepile. Changmin feels a little sick as Yunho holds his hand and the lights get too bright suddenly. Yunho squeezes his hand once and releases it and the feeling passes.

"Changmin is my one in seven billion," Yunho says gently. The audience is confused and the host is speechless.

All Changmin can feel is inadequate because all he can ever do is complain.

He wakes up and now the only thing he can do is groan.

"Oh no, I’m gay."

  
—-

Yunho is eating sugarcane in the kitchen when Changmin walks in. He’s gnawing on it like he’s teething and scribbling in his notebook like he has a gun to his head.

"Did you sleep last night?" Changmin asks. The coffee pot is still on and the little bit that is left is getting cooked and dried out on the bottom. Half of the brand new creamer they bought yesterday is gone and sitting out on the counter. Changmin touches it and it’s room temperature too. He turns to complain but Yunho’s stopped writing and the crease in Changmin’s brow flattens. " _Can_ you sleep?"

"Um…Nightmares?"

Changmin clucks and walks around the kitchen island to stand behind Yunho and grasp his shoulders, shaking him gently and rubbing circles in his neck. Yunho luxuriates in the touch, realizing a kink in his neck that he didn’t register.

"King of the Stage! We’ve talked about this. If you can’t sleep, I won’t sleep. King of the Stage, your faithful servant pleads before you!" Changmin says, trying to get a laugh out of Yunho. "What will BigEast say?"

Yunho stops chewing to spin around in the kitchen chair and face Changmin, sugarcane hanging out of his mouth. “I’m funnier when sleep deprived.”

"Okay, but you also have had to go to the hospital for ulcers because of it," Changmin says, poking him in the stomach. "That’s not funny."

Yunho hums and spins back around to his notebook.

"You’re plenty funny anyways," Changmin says, returning to the coffee pot to make a new one.

"Funny looking," Yunho says, trying to imitate Changmin. He’s bad at imitations so it’s just a higher pitched voice, annoying.

Changmin throws the sponge at him.

—

The thing about falling in love like a slow burn, is that when it hits you, you’re engulfed in flames.

Changmin has been on fire since 2010.

At this point, he doesn’t understand how it can get any worse. Is it possible for a wildfire, something untameable, to ever stop growing? Every morning a new acre is destroyed.

Sometimes it really pisses him off that Yunho has nightmares when he’s enjoying sleep this much.

They’re sitting on the couch softly kicking each other because they’re bored and Yunho can’t sleep for the third night in a row. Their feet hit each other and it’s just Yunho’s strong thighs versus Changmin’s will to win. Eventually Yunho gives up out of laziness and Changmin’s foot flies forward and lands on Yunho’s stomach.

"Am I dead?" Yunho says, straining.

"Oh, I hope not. Duets can’t be sung by one person," Changmin says, rubbing Yunho’s stomach with his foot.

"What song would you sing at my funeral if I did die?" Yunho says.

"You want me to sing at your funeral?"

"We’re singers. Also you’re mean and I’m not mean _enough_ to make you write a eulogy for me."

"Are you dying?" Changmin starts massaging the foot Yunho put on his chest.

"Oh, I hope not."

Changmin grits his teeth playfully and starts tickling his foot. Yunho flips off the couch, kicking Changmin’s jaw in the process.

—-

"Hug."

Yunho turns his head from his laptop. His glasses fall down his nose and he pushes them back up, not liking how Changmin looks blurry and distorted.

"You want one?"

"No, I’d sing Hug at your funeral."

"Hey… I wasn’t serious," Yunho says while frowning. He clicks out of multiple WikiHow pages on knitting before he shuts his laptop. "I’m not going to die."

"You’re right. You’re basically immortal at this point," Changmin says. The mood shifts as Changmin stands up. "Also you used all the toilet paper and I’m mad at you."

Yunho feigns anger. “You’re always mad at me, you little, you little…walnut!”

Changmin chucks a pen at him. “Let’s go to the store.”

Yunho almost chirps as he goes to get his jacket. He takes his wallet and leaves his phone because there is no one he needs to call if he’s going with Changmin.

"Do I need to hold your hand on the way there or are you old enough to not need the buddy system?" Changmin says as he’s locking the door to their apartment, Yunho jogging in place next to him. He doesn’t go out much but when he goes out with Changmin there’s always a little spark of excitement, something like being 22 in Paris.

He holds out his hand.

Changmin looks at it like it’s going to explode.

Yunho shakes it like he really means it.

"Oh, you really mean it," Changmin says, grabbing it gingerly like he’s picking up a kitten by the scruff. Yunho readjusts so their fingers interlace and he swings their hands as they walk down the hallway, pulling Changmin when he falls behind.

He nearly flings Changmin down the stairs because of the excitement.

—-

Yunho gets sick.

Not like a cold or anything. When they went to the store they bought toilet paper and three packs of marshmellows and Changmin dared him to put as many as he could in his mouth at a time. Not being wasteful, he ate them too.

The problem with being forgetful is that when you forget to eat for two days in a row and then eat 27 marshmellows, suddenly you remember that you have digestive problems.

"Changmin, if I really do die, just know I love you," Yunho says, half crying half barfing into the toilet.

Changmin pauses in wiping the sweat off his forehead, but the action is lost on Yunho when he retches once again.

Yunho breathes heavy into the toilet bowl and Changmin wipes his mouth too.

"This is worse than a hangover," Yunho says, tears still coming down. He’s resting his face on the toilet lid and starring at Changmin and looking for God to free him.

Changmin cleans up more of his spittle. “No it’s not. Last time you had a hangover you were curled up in the shower with the water running.”

"I want to take a shower now," Yunho sobs.

"You can’t even stand."

"Put me in the shower."

Changmin sighs but he does it anyway. Yunho silently thanks God for leading their decision in installing a flat shower with a glass door instead of a tub. He’s pulling at his shirt as Changmin sits him down against the glass, eyes closed and not feeling the water.

"What are you doing."

"I’m making sure the water is hot before I fucking put you in it."

"Take off my clothes, they can’t get wet."

"You already puked all over them," Changmin says, hysterical. He still does it anyway.

Yunho curls up in the spray of the shower, groaning on his way down.

"Are you okay now? Can I go?"

"No."

"No what?"

"Stay with me in here."

"This is worse than a hangover. At least when you have a hangover you hate me for it and you’re not, you know, lucid." Changmin stays with him anyway.

Yunho hears the soap bottles uncap and he feels the loofah stick on his back.

"You haven’t bathed in days. Baby powder isn’t a bath. Idiot." Changmin scrubs hard in between his shoulder blades, down the line of muscles in his back. "Turn around."

With difficulty, Yunho flips over, eyes squinting. Changmin has also removed his clothes but he’s sitting in the corner with his knees up to his chest, looking years younger, unsure.

Yunho closes his eyes again and sighs to relieve some gas.

"Only you would do this. I think any girlfriend I had would dump me when I suggested the marshmellow thing." He feels Changmin scrub his arm and he holds it out for him. "Sometimes it’s weird to think I trust you enough to dump me in a shower and wash me with a loofah stick."

"Cold street fighter Jung," Changmin says pensively.

"Ah, I’m tired," Yunho says, sitting up slowly. "Hey, don’t touch."

Changmin pauses his movement. “I was just gonna scrub your thighs.”

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just my thighs. Help me get up, I’m tired."

"Okay," Changmin says, turning the water off and picking Yunho up by the armpits like a deluxe baby. "This is pretty gay."

"We’ve done gayer." Yunho nearly trips over the step on his way out, his eyes barely open. "Put my clothes on faithful servant."

Changmin grumbles because Yunho makes everything just a little bit more difficult, maybe on purpose, but he does it anyway.

—-

"Noooo."

Yunho, for all his manly bravado and hypermasculine posturing, is whining like a kid, hanging onto Changmin’s sleeve so he won’t go.

"I play the marshmellow game, clean your puke, get you naked and bathe you, then clothe you and put you to bed. What more do you want from me?"

Yunho lets him go and covers his eyes with his hands.

"I’m stressed out and not tired anymore."

"Fuck." Changmin rolls him over and he sits on the bed. Yunho’s lips are pursed and his palms rub at his eyes, rubbing away wetness. "How many days since you last slept."

"Like, uh… Four?"

"Not even a nap."

"No."

"Honestly I don’t even know how you’re alive right now."

"Me neither." Yunho sniffles but he tries to make it a snort. He gives up and just starts crying again. "Why can’t you be my girlfriend so I don’t have to pretend I’m cool and all I do is write romance fantasy novels and stay up all night because I get sad too, goddamit. I can’t believe I have to get married in like five years and be this perfect guy who doesn’t leave socks in the dishwasher by mistake."

Changmin doesn’t say anything.

"Who is going to lightly scold me for puttting empty orange juice cartons in the fridge?"

Changmin continues not to say anything.

"Who will remind me to eat and bathe and call my mom when I’m binge reading manga?"

Changmin purses his lips.

"Who’s gonna tolerate me being a brat for giving and getting affection? Oh my God, is this a midlife crisis? I’m not even midlife yet. I don’t want to buy a yacht or a fancy car I just-"

Changmin covers Yunho’s mouth with his hands. Yunho looks over at him, angry that his nervous breakdown was interrupted.

"I am kind of really incredibly in love with you."

Yunho licks his hand.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"You are," Yunho says like it’s obvious. Changmin cleans his hand on Yunho’s pajama shirt. "Why didn’t you just tell me earlier?"

"Are you joking?"

"I love you too. I have had the ugliest crush on you since you said you’d follow me anywhere. That was pretty gay and so am I."

"This is a joke." Changmin starts wringing his hands. Yunho breaks his hands apart because it’s distracting him, because all he wants to do is make sure Changmin never feels small again and at the same time not lose the momentum he’s got going on his feelings.

"No it’s not. I’ve been having nightmares about somehow not having you in my life and it’s stressful to the point where sometimes you die in my dreams and I can’t sleep for days at a time. Like now. I could have been asleep and you only tell me now."

Changmin laughs. He’s laughing and Yunho’s looking at him with the cutest face, attempting to be mad with his lip sticking out and his eyebrows knitted harshly, as if that worked on Changmin, as if that has worked on him for the last 7 years.

"Do you want to know the dreams I’ve been having lately?" Changmin says, crawling into bed with Yunho, who’s on his side with his hand cupping his cheek.

"You tell me everything else."

"I have these dreams, where you say really cheesy shit, and we live our daily life, and it’s so magical and so comforting that I don’t really want to wake up. Thinking back on it now, we are kind of already living it. That’s kind of fucked up."

"Ah." Yunho looks at Changmin like he’s about to share a secret, as if this one is so much more poignant than anything else he has said in the past hour.

"What," Changmin says, panic in his voice rising. "What do you want to say, you’re making me nervous."

Yunho smiles, bright, a sun at 4 a.m., as if his breath didn’t smell like bile and sugar, as if night terrors haven’t kept him up for days.

"You’re my one in seven billion."

Changmin flicks his nose and tells him to go to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

They have to fly back eventually and Yunho's wearing all black to mourn a week spent in Changmin's personal space.

"I noticed you didn't sleep again," Changmin says as they're standing on a moving walkway instead of walking because it's like 4 a.m. and not 4 p.m. like their manager thought when they were purchasing the tickets. He's wiping his eye boogers and wiping it on the rail, Yunho sticking his tongue out at him in feigned disgust. "Anything you need to tell me? Do I have to say I love you again?"

"No. But I'll take it anyway," Yunho says as he walks backwards slowly on the walkway.

"You're tolerable."

"That's fair." Yunho stops walking but he's shuffling his feet. "PTSD."

Changmin blinks and internally kicks himself. "Oh."

"It's okay you didn't know."

They get to the end of the walkway and Yunho almost misses the step but he plays it off and Changmin stares a little harder than usual. His self monitoring will never match up to Yunho's ability to pick himself up gracefully, he notes for not the first time in his life.

Changmin buys him an extremely fruity smoothie, watching the worker closely. Yunho watches him watch the worker and squeezes Changmin's side to go and do a crossword puzzle in their terminal. Changmin buys himself something with too much espresso and something with a load of carbohydrates that he hasn't allowed himself to eat in weeks.

When he gets back to Yunho, Yunho's already given up on the puzzle because it's not interesting enough (it was about farming and he's already done all the ones about animals) and he's settled into clicking around on his tablet. He ignores his drink for the first minute before Changmin clears his throat.

"You suck at this game," Changmin says.

Yunho loses.

"That wasn't even my fault. I was winning before you distracted me," he says as he clicks out of the game and stares at his home screen. It's a picture of Changmin's sleeping face, bloated and puffy with a direct view up his nostrils, although those are covered by some apps about the lunar cycle and a voice changer that makes you sound like an alien.

"Holy shit."

"It's good right?"

Changmin pulls out his phone and starts scrolling through his pictures folder. He's literally giggling as he finds the one he wants and makes it his home screen.

It's a picture of Yunho posing dramatically in long johns while draping himself over a table, one leg in the air.

"Hm. I don't know which one is worse," he says and finally takes a sip from his smoothie, a little more slowly than average.

There's a lull in conversation and even though Changmin's drinking coffee his head lulls too. Yunho puts his hand under it after his chin hits his chest.

"Save it for the airplane. Let's watch a show," he says. At this point he's comfortable enough in his chair to open up his jacket and place his smoothie in the crease so he doesn't have to hold the cup while he sips at it.

\---

"You're Scully."

"I heard you the first 10 times," Changmin says. He hands the flight attendant his ticket and gives a head nod to her as he passes to catch up with Yunho.

"I'm just saying, that you're totally Scully."

"You've watched how many seasons now?" The overhead bin is already open and Yunho throws _something_ in there.

"I've watched the first five in full and then after that I just started watching random episodes. Their first kid dies. That's fucked up."

Changmin snorts. He asks Yunho when he got the time to watch that much of the show and Yunho just gives him a crooked closed mouth smile. In return Changmin just grabs the back of his neck and gives a tender squeeze.

They both sit down in first class and Yunho pulls a giant blanket from somewhere and throws it over Changmin.

"Sleep."

Changmin sputters.

"Really? Really now?" Changmin throws the blanket over him too and Yunho tries reaching for his torso to push him back. They only stop when a flight attendent breaks their trained composure to fix them with a look. Yunho uses the time that Changmin nervously straightens up under the scrutiny to buckle him in.

"Flight safety," he says. They look at each other and Changmin is the first one to break composure, giving a small bark of a laugh, Yunho responding with a smile that could melt faces.

"When do Mulder and Scully kiss?"

"Seventh season."

Changmin looks at him like he's just cursed his mother.

"Seven seasons of sexual tension?"

"Yep," Yunho says, looking suddenly worn out. "Seven whole seasons of weird budding romance and sexual tension. It sounds… familiar."

Changmin hits him lightly in the gut and huffs.

\---

It's only when they step off the plane at 6 something in the morning and into their van when Yunho's "I'm Normal And Okay" gears come to a halt. He's breathing heavy and putting his arms out against the door and the seats in the van as if trapped, eyes darting around wildly.

"How long are we in Korea for?"

"Leader-ssi, don't you know the schedule? Like a month."

Yunho's leg starts shaking.

"We are only going to see each other at dance practices…We're going to be in _separate apartments_ ," he says, leaning his head back on the seat with a far off look in his eyes.

Changmin flicks his ear.

"You can come to my apartment. I can come to _your_ apartment. But I'd rather you come to mine because yours is a disaster but that's besides the point." 

Yunho bounces back just as quickly as he fell.

"Oh yeah. But come to mine right now," he says, putting a hand on Changmin's lap and staring him right in the eyes. Changmin looks at Yunho's hand then back into his eyes. He nods slowly, at a loss for words. Yunho squeezes his thigh and gets excited, settling back into his seat with the most unnecessary 7 a.m. smile on his face, gently switching between rubbing and patting Changmin.

\---

Changmin didn't expect it to go to Yunho's apartment and watch X-Files till two in the afternoon with no sleep.

At this point maybe he should stop expecting things that make sense from Yunho.

Yunho is eating side dishes that Changmin forcefully put in his fridge while watching Mulder intimately check Scully's backside for space worms. He told Changmin he's watched this episode like seven times because it's that important and Changmin begs to differ, because while their dynamics are very entrancing, the worms make him want to vomit.

When the episode is over, Changmin has to restrain him from loading another one.

"Aren't you tired? You look tired," Changmin says, throwing multiple blankets on top of him to keep him from reaching for the remote.

"I have insomnia! I am consistently tired." He struggles with the blankets for a minute before giving up and going limp, groaning like poached wildlife.

Changmin pauses to load his servers, staring at him intently. There's something he can do but the idea is on the edge of his brain, formless but urgent and it frustrates him. It makes him livid because he can make rapid fire comebacks when threatened but he can't even find solutions for Yunho when he needs someone just as equally stubborn but looking out for his best interests.

And maybe that's where the answer is. If it were him what would he do for himself? The answer comes quickly but the method he used makes bile rise in his throat, the self centeredness of it all makes him feel guilty.

"What about," he begins, swallowing against a dry throat, "a therapist?"

There's a wariness surrounding Yunho as he lifts his head up, nervousness pouring off in waves and it doesn't make Changmin feel any better.

"You know how I feel about that." With all the blankets on top of him, Yunho looks a lot smaller. "I don't even have time for a therapist anyway."

Biting his lip, Changmin looks down. "Yunho…"

"I don't need it. I've gotten through this before. I'm good. After all, I have you right?" There's something hopeful in his eyes that makes Changmin's chest feel even more hollow.

There's a need to pick the right words but Changmin doesn't trust himself enough for it.

"I'm just worried. You've been in pretty dark places before and I just can't, ugh, sometimes they come after places like the one you're in? I don't have the tools to help you. And honestly, it hurts to not be able to help." Suddenly there's a scab on his arm that's a lot more interesting than keeping eye contact, and the rustle of blankets makes picking at it a better distraction than looking up.

"We picked a really weird time for a deep conversation, huh," Yunho says. He ducks his head into the pile of blankets and moves underneath them to get closer to Changmin. Popping his head out of the other end, he crawls over and drags the blankets with him and lays against Changmin's chest. "For now, I think I can settle for this kind of help."

Changmin snorts as Yunho leans his head over his shoulder and presses his mouth to Changmin's cheek, just resting there. He's a living furnace and Changmin finally understands why hearts melt.

"Stupid."

"Mmhm," Yunho mumbles, relaxing as Changmin readjusts to hold him better. They sit there for a minute and suddenly the show starts playing again, and in the back of his head maybe this was a ploy to get the remote back but he looks down and sees Yunho resting against his shoulder, breathing lightly against his collarbone as his eyes focus on the show, and there's no part of him that's mad.

"After this episode is over I'm going to lie to my psych and tell her my brain is acting up again to illegally get you pills that will knock your ass out."

"Oh, Changmin," Yunho says with a gasp, looking up at Changmin with wide eyes. "You'd even commit crimes for me? I tolerate you more every day."

At that, Changmin monopolizes his position to tickle him half to death.

\---

Changmin wakes up to a dark apartment, illuminated only by the glow of the tv screen asking if the viewers were still watching their show.

There's a weight against his chest and he honestly can't feel his legs.

"Yunho."

"Mmpph."

"Get up."

"No."

Changmin puts the muscles he's been cutting back on food for to use by lifting Yunho into a sitting postion. "If you're sleeping, let's sleep in a bed like normal people."

Sitting up straight with his hair a mess, Yunho turns around with his eyes barely open and fixes Changmin with a stare. "We're not normal in any sense."

Eyes still closed, Yunho stands up and throws all the blankets to the other side of the couch and stretches a bit. Changmin tries to follow and falls to the floor. 

In a daze, Yunho peers down at his partner lying across the rug, giving small wounded sobs.

"What's the deal," he asks.

"You made my legs fall asleep because you've been sleeping on them for at least 6 hours, maybe more," Changmin bites.

"Hey, you're down there and I'm up here, you should be nice," Yunho says, eyes finally opening enough to indicate that he's only a quarter asleep and not half. "Men don't lie on the floor like sissies. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."

There is silence for a split second as they both lock eyes, Changmin trying to explode Yunho's head with the lazer beams he wishes he had.

And after that Yunho just laughs, full of joy and joins Changmin on the floor. Pulling the blankets from the couch, he covers the both of them and sidles up close to Changmin.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," Changmin responds.

"Guess we're both sissies now," Yunho says with a laugh.

The amount of pure adoration coming from his eyes disgusts Changmin, but in the good way, so he flips Yunho around and spoons him, begging him to go back to sleep.

In the morning Changmin wakes up to find that he spent the night sleeping next to a year old sandwich and it's Yunho's turn to feel how wildly encompassing and devastating Changmin's love is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the xfiles is coming back soon n ive been excited. mulder n scully have such homin dynamics n honestly i am fucking trash from space someone should come put me out of my misery.
> 
> so anyways im gonna update this whenever i want but i guess i should let yall know that i am a fragile being n have a lot of personal things going on so it might be extremely sporadic.
> 
> thank u all for the support n interest. i will work hard 2 provide quality content n an enjoyable experience.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for alcohol (like the whole chapter) and tmi. i think. idk if u see anything else tell me. also i just want to say that im raising the rating bc this chapter doesnt get "darker" as opposed to more realistic, as hinted in the last chapter. life happens. trauma and stress leads into mental illness. no relationship is perfect n communication is extremely impt. anyway here u go

"Changmin, where are you?"

Yunho slams the door a little too hard and pats it like he's offering a condolence. Slipping off his shoes, he runs straight through Changmin's house, starting with the kitchen.

"Changminnie?"

"BATHROOM," comes his voice across the apartment. Yunho realizes that Changmin couldn't possibly be in the fridge and grabs an orange juice out of it before he makes his way over to the bathroom.

Rather than knocking, he barges in and sees Changmin on the toilet. "Hi."

Changmin looks at him through his fingers, hunched over and sweating.

"I was going to say don't come in but you're already in," Changmin grits, "and from experience you're probably not going to leave."

Yunho smiles and cracks open his juice.

Taking a seat on the carpet in front of Changmin's ridiculous bathtub, he makes himself entirely too comfortable for someone sitting in a room that smells like literal shit.

"Man, that smells so bad I forgot what I came here for," he says, putting his nose to the juice to smell that instead. Changmin glares at him but Yunho wonders if it's more from him straining than anything else. "What did you eat?"

" _Everything._ "

"Uh oh."

"Please… Why are you here?"

Changmin bends forward when another cramp hits him and Yunho scoots more towards him, concerned.

"I'm codependent and need to be at least 10 feet away from you at all times so I don't feel unsafe?" Yunho tilts his head and tries to smile but it looks more pained than anything. Changmin mocks him and gives a smile that looks more like a sneer, but Yunho's used to it.

"No, the other thing." Yunho tunes out the gross sounds he's possibly hearing and also Changmin himself to notice a large scrape on his knee.

"Hey, when did that happen?"

"Yunho. Yunho," Changmin says, snapping his fingers in front of Yunho's face and then dragging them back down his own face in anguish, "back on track."

"Uh, comeback news?"

"Nevermind, I don't want to hear it. I just felt my intestines roil."

Giving him a gentle smile, Yunho squeezes his injured knee. There's something in Changmin's brutal honesty that endears him to the point that it brings him back down to Earth, even when not pointed at him. Yunho hates lies and loves Changmin and those two things might correlate, but he doesn't really have time to think on it much.

Changmin gives a courtesy flush and it breaks Yunho from his thoughts. Changmin does a lot of that too.

"Please turn on the bath, I feel unpure," Changmin says while reaching to wipe himself. Yunho slaps his thigh and gets up to fix his bath, knocking over his orange juice in the process. The juice reaches Changmin's foot and all he can do is stare at it.

"If I clean the floor and get your bath ready, can it also be a bubble bath and also can I join you?" Yunho feels the carpet under him start to get soaked and he backs up a bit because it feels intensely wrong. He places his hands behind his back and gives Changmin a tightlipped smile, trying to soften him up.

"Did you just beat me to making you take responsibility for something and then try to negotiate for more things even though it's your fault?"

"Hm, when you put it that way, yes!"

"I love you," Changmin says, looking Yunho right in the eye with something akin to kindness, but on fire, which alarms Yunho but then he remembers that everything Changmin does for him is on fire.

Yunho convinces himself he planned all of this ahead of time, like he planned a bubble mustache getting kissed off his upper lip.

\---

"Oh no, you're picking this up."

Yunho lifts his head off of Changmin's pillow. It smells really good because Changmin's sheets are washed once a week and not once a month, maybe, and he really doesn't want to leave Changmin's bed.

He can feel Changmin at the door to his room and he groans, smushing his face back into the pillow.

"How can you just throw clothes all over the floor after living with me this many years and not expect me to get mad over it?"

He groans even louder so Changmin can know how over it he is.

And then Changmin jumps on his back.

"I lent you my clothes because you didn't want to wear your own after the bath and then you throw them on the floor 20 minutes later," Changmin says, pressing his thumbs into Yunho's back. It's not unkind because Yunho's groaning from sore muscles being soothed. Instead of laying around and letting Changmin bother him in actually beneficial ways, he rolls Changmin off of him.

"Okay. Okay I'll do it," Yunho pleads, "just promise me something."

"Yes?"

"Please wash my sheets with your detergent. It's never the same as yours."

Changmin laughs, face softening, and Yunho doesn't really understand why but he can feel it whatever it is. He'll pick up the clothes now, after Changmin stops leaning over him to touch his forehead to Yunho's, smiling into a kiss and holding his face like something precious.

\---

Something needy and prickly blooms in Yunho the next few days.

It doesn't really come from anywhere specific. It's a bit like the first chop of waves when a storm is coming and Yunho knows he should probably go inside but the sea is _right there_.

His everyday isn't new. They're starting dance practice again and Yunho sweats too much to think about anything else other than a misstep or making sure he doesn't faceplant during some dangerous new choreo that might not even be used. Both him and Changmin realize they're too professional to even give any indication that something is going on between them. He thinks about how Changmin was telling him not to be suspicious but nothing they really do with each other is out of the ordinary.

He guesses this also extends to the two never being apart for long, acting like sateillites around each other. He never realized that them sitting alone eating lunch was a thing that people didn't even blink at but it's glaringly obvious to him now.

"Are you okay? You seem out of it," Changmin says as Yunho haphazardly places pieces of meat on Changmin's tray.

"I guess… Things just seem to be really… real."

Changmin puts his hand to Yunho's head to check his temperature. "You're not sick."

Leaning back in his chair, Yunho whines. "It's just… I haven't been trying to not be suspicious this whole time. We've basically been dating for years now because no ones even… noticing anything."

Changmin laughs.

"I think the term is married. We fight too much for dating," he says through the food in his mouth. "Besides, do you want to come out?"

"No."

"Me neither."

Yunho holds his stomach as it starts to fight against the food he's just eaten. He really wants to lean his head against Changmin's shoulder and he really wants to be alone and sleep off this mood. When he pushes the rest of his lunch over to Changmin, he frowns.

"I think I'm gonna go over my steps," he says, feeling numb all of a sudden. Maybe, he thinks, if I sweat it out it'll be okay.

Before he gets up, Changmin grabs his shirt. He turns around in his hold and grabs his hand in his own.

Changmin opens and clothes his mouth like he's trying to will words to fall out of his mouth. Yunho squeezes his hand because he knows that sometimes Changmin gets stuck on words when he's nervous. "Mom invited us to come over. We get out of practice early and by then she'll have dinner ready and we could just go and--"

"Okay. I love your mom," Yunho says, smiling gently. "Also I get to see Mangdoong, who I love more than anything else in the world."

Changmin shakes off his hand and Yunho jumps away before he can give him a push, throwing a laugh over his shoulder as he walks back to practice.

\---

Yunho has to take a shower because Changmin says he smells worse than usual and because Changmin has to make sure Yunho is actually presentable, he spends a little more time than usual picking out Yunho's clothes (from his own, of course) and standing behind him to blow dry his hair, because you can't show up at someones house for dinner with a damp frizzy mess on your head, that's rude.

Changmin's mom is wearing sweatpants when she answers the door.

"Oh, Yunho! My favorite son! You look so tired, come sit down. Dinner's ready," she says, escorting Yunho in and leaving Changmin to rearrange the shoes by the door.

There is almost _too much_  food. Yunho eats slowly and surreptitiously pats down his food so it looks like there's less. Changmin's parents don't talk much so Yunho makes light conversation, mostly telling stories of anything new since the last visit, while Changmin steals food off his plate.

"And so I said to him, you don't put _that_  in a pencil sharpener," Yunho says emphatically. Changmin's mother laughs, covering her mouth and his father's lips turn upwards as he grabs more food. Changmin sulks and kicks him under the table.

Yunho smirks and glances at Changmin out of the corner of his eyes.

Changmin ignores him and picks more food off his plate till it's clean.

"Mom, it was really good this time. Thank you for the meal," Yunho says, picking up his plate to put it in the sink. Changmin's mother stands up and waves him off.

"Oh, leave it, Changmin will clean the dishes."

"Mom, please," Changmin groans, clearing empty dishes from the table, his father watching him over a shot of soju. Changmin pours him more before he brings the rest of the plates to the sink, Yunho pretending to wash with a sponge with no soap on it.

"Yeah Changmin, clean the dishes," Yunho says as Mangdoong comes hurdling through the kitchen and right into his legs. He picks her up and kisses her tiny white face while Changmin angrily pumps soap onto the sponge. "I'll pet Mangdoong and drink with your parents in the meantime."

He checks to see if Changmin's parents are watching before kissing him on the cheek and letting Mangdoong take a turn.

\---

Yunho is a sloppy drunk.

Changmin's parents love it.

They keep refilling his cup and Yunho knocks them back because they cheer for him and he responds _so well_  to praise. The stories he tells and the dances he does progressively just turn into him making noises and flailing around at Changmin's expense. He nearly knocks over the pretentious beer that Changmin's sipping at.

"You're so pretentious," Yunho says, wrapping an arm around Changmin's shoulder, cheek squishing against it cutely. He uses his other hand to fumble with the bottle and inspect it. It's a craft beer from some microbrewery that's name is in French but most definitely originates from Korea and Yunho laughs/hiccups at how appropriate it is.

"He keeps a whole case of it here and he thinks we don't drink it because it's his," Changmin's father says, looking like a very red approximation of how he must be during lectures, "when honestly it's just new age garbage and we don't want to touch it."

"It doesn't taste good," his mother adds.

Yunho looks up at Changmin from his perch on his shoulder and watches him drink while looking to the side. His ears are red and his posture is rigid and it just feels very wrong to Yunho.

"Ah, even if he drinks weird beers, I like it 'cause it's Changmin," Yunho says, shaking Changmin a little. At this point he completely slumps over onto Changmin, head attemping to make it's way into his neck.

"Changmin, you should treat your hyung better. Look how he takes care of you!" Changmin's mom says, taking a wooden spoon out of somewhere to half scold half threaten him. "A person shows their true heart while drunk."

Nuzzling into Changmin, he places his lips onto his throat, feeling the sweat that's forming. Changmin tries to shake him off but he only groans.

"Hyung, let's go walk Mangdoongie," Changmin grits, still trying to push him off.

"Why?" Changmin's father slurs, knocking back another shot.

"Because, uh, a walk will help him sober up so he doesn't have a hangover tomorrow?"

Yunho laughs into his neck, breath tickling Changmin in the worst way.

"Look at Changminnie, dad, he's taking care of me. He's a good son."

Changmin takes this as a sign to get up and take Yunho with him. Yunho calls for Mangdoong, and the little dog trots over to him and dances, Yunho attempting to dance along.

Changmin's mother falls over laughing at whatever antic is funny and Changmin pulls Yunho towards the door before the both of them notice.

\---

"Why is your alcohol tolerance so shit?"

Yunho stumbles alongside Changmin, Mangdoong's leash knotted around his wrist. They're walking along an sparsely illuminated street towards a dog park and Yunho's using Changmin's shoulder as support because he's nearly walking sideways.

He doesn't remember the transition from Changmin's parent's house to the street but the slight chill keeps his cheeks red as he burns off the alcohol.

"It's at least, three," he responds.

"Three what? You can't quantify alcohol tolerance like that."

Yunho laughs like Changmin is his favorite comedian, which he probably is. Looping their arms together, his chuckles fade into a cheeky smile as they walk down the street and finally reach the dog park.

They find a bench right under a lamp and let Mangdoong off her leash to run around for a bit. Yunho rummages around Changmin's coat pocket and finds her ball to start a game of fetch with her, flinging it as far as he can and laughing at the little white blur as she runs for it.

"The little dog shirt she's wearing is so cute. 'Happy! So cute!' It's like exactly how I feel when I look at Mangdoong," Yunho says. He's leaning on Changmin's shoulder as Mangdoong comes back and deposits the ball on Changmin's shoes who is staring hard at Mangdoong's eyes as she tilts her head. "I think she feels it too. She's a little happy and cute dog."

"I think it's human ignorance to think we understand how other lifeforms feel," Changmin says.

Yunho lifts his head up to stare.

"I'm sorry Dr. Shim, I don't understand what you're saying because you have a Ph.D and I only have one measly college degree," Yunho says, pouting. Changmin gives him a shove and he laughs again.

They fall into a comfortable silence, Yunho reclaiming his place on Changmin's shoulder. The alcohol makes him tired and he can't help but close his eyes, feeling a little upset all of a sudden. He kind of expected it because after the giddiness and the playfulness comes whatever emotion he was feeling before drinking, which was mostly a stunning numbness and extreme insecurity.

"You were right," Yunho says quietly, eyes still closed.

"That's not surprising," Changmin responds. Mangdoong takes her ball and pads over to another patch of grass to gnaw on it after Changmin stopped throwing it out of laziness. "What was I right about?"

"I was feeling great a couple of days ago and now I'm depressed and want to drink whole lot and sleep even more than that. Please let me lay my head in your lap." Yunho nuzzles Changmin's shoulder and pouts. The feeling that maybe he shouldn't be talking about this stirs in the back of his mind but the alcohol tells him to entrust Changmin with his emotions.

"Cameras…"

"Who cares, honestly."

Changmin huffs and moves Yunho around so he can sprawl on the bench with his head on his lap. By instinct he starts running his hand through Yunho's hair and Yunho relaxes into the touch, sighing out of relief.

"So, was that what earlier today was about?"

"Yes… I think it was triggered by the weight of all of this," Yunho slurs, waving his hand around vaguely. "I have a lot of baggage and only the carry-on is free."

"No more of your metaphors," Changmin groans. He switches to massaging Yunho's scalp as he tries to think about a response. "I understand how you feel I guess. I mean. Not as seriously but what you're feeling is completely valid."

"This is a bit new to me. With other girlfriends they only know the cool mask I put on to impress them, but you know me. When you get close to a person, there's things about yourself you don't really see and that's a bit terrifying. In a way it's really good, and in another way it, it makes me scared. You know I need you but I don't know if it's too much. It feels like being naked, but with emotions. Fucking gross."

"Well the feeling is mutual," Changmin says. "It's really hard to be there for you sometimes, especially when my kneejerk reaction is to treat you like I would treat myself. It takes us being drunk to open up like this because we are both mysterious but mostly emotionally constipated."

"We're made for each other."

"In the grossest way."

Yunho takes a moment to just feel Changmin's touch on his body. There's a certain amount of pressure that he knows how to apply, hard enough to ward away soreness and stress but light enough to still convey how gentle he regards him. It's absolutely gratifying for him, for him to be taken care of like this. At the same time, the same bubble of insecurity rises up and makes his gut twist.

"I'm sorry I'm such a hassle. It must be tiring. I know you also have things to worry about and I feel a bit selfish." Yunho opens his eyes to look up at Changmin and convey the apology fully. He finds that Changmin's frowning and his hand has stopped moving through his hair.

"You're not. You're not a hassle. You're annoying but not for the things you're thinking of," Changmin says, now cupping Yunho's face to rub his cheek with his thumb. "Contrary to the popular belief that I'm selfish, part of that selfishness comes from making sure you're okay for my own sake. It's possessive and ugly and I don't know if I'm doing it right, but it sure is one of the best things I do."

Yunho pretends he's not tearing up by scrunching his eyes up and frowning deeply, turning his head to the side so it just rests in Changmin's palm.

"Listen. Let's do something. Let's spend the night together and let me hold your hair while you most likely puke out your intestines again and then tomorrow we will go hang out with our friends and recharge. I was going to tell Kyuhyun soon anyway."

As he tries to process the words through the emotions bubbling in his throat, his eyes snap open at Kyuhyun's name.

"You were going to tell him?" His voice cracks as he says this and Changmin smirks.

"He's my best friend. And I'm pretty sure he won't be that bad about it, but if he is, fuck him. Anyway, let's get back to my parent's place because they are either too drunk to get back to their bedroom or sobering up enough to wonder why we have been gone for so long," Changmin says. There's a grim look on his face like he's thinking of multiple scenarios that don't end peacefully.

Yunho gets up from the bench and stretches, Changmin following him. He takes a minute to stare at Changmin. Tall, tall Changmin who wears long coats and learned how to fix his hair nicely, who ages backwards somehow, whose cheekbones reflect light like diamonds. Even in the yellow glow of the streetlamp with his hands in his coat pockets, he still looks unearthly and all Yunho can do is stare at him with incredible fondness that makes his heart ache.

So he kisses him.

Nothing to big, just a slightly longer peck, but Changmin takes a turn and deepens it before realizing where he is.

"Cameras. What if there's cameras."

Yunho shrugs and pulls out Mangdoong's leash. She comes bouncing over with the ball in her mouth and let's him put the leash clip on while wagging her tail.

"I don't know if it's me being depressed, me being drunk, or me being in love with you, but I really can't find it in me to care anymore about how and where I show my affections."

Changmin takes a moment to process while they walk out of the dog park.

"Are you sure you only have one college degree? That was really profound back there."

Yunho laughs and looks to the ground, maybe blushing but he turns his head so who knows, and bumps into Changmin as a small act of revenge. They walk back to Changmin's parents place playing around in the streets, laughing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for alcohol, implied self harm, cho kyuhyun, mental illness discussions. also warnings for me never beta'ing anything ever

There's nothing quite as esoteric as waking up feeling like a dried sponge, Yunho realizes.

All of Yunho's muscles ache as he rolls over, the movement sending waves a pain through his head. He's reaching out across the bed but the space next to him is barely warm and he groans.

"Changmin…"

His other hand pats the nightstand blindly, finding some aspirin and a cool glass of water. He puts the pills in his mouth but ends up spilling water on himself in the end. In doing so he gets icy water all over his chest and realizes he's completely naked. Making a tiny sob of defeat, he rolls over onto the side of the bed and tries to comfort himself in Changmin's lingering sent. He nearly dozes off again when he feels the other side of the bed sink.

"I made hangover soup."

"Later. Hold me," Yunho says into the pillow and he feels Changmin curl over him.

Changmin snorts and Yunho notices it's the laugh before he makes fun of him for something but he can't bring himself to care.

"Do you want to know what you did last night," Changmin says gently to preserve the hush of the morning.

"Explain the nudity," Yunho mumbles.

"Okay. Well. You were sobering up as we got back to my parents' apartment and we found them with even more alcohol. You being you, took up their request to drink more and sing songs on their karaoke box. The most precious moment I have ever witnessed in my life is you hiccuping through a ballad while drinking straight out of the bottle.."

"Oh my god." Changmin laughs softly into his ear and starts to rub circles on his forearm, slowly moving towards holding his hand.

"I had to drag you out of there because it was almost 4 a.m. and you found out there was Linkin Park songs on the box. I'm not sure what you did to my parents but they were kissing your face and trying to make you stay. Then you just dropped to the floor and I had to piggyback you all the way down to the car, which you owe me for big time because you're super heavy. You didn't even get in the car the first time, you just slid down onto the ground when I tried to put you in the passenger seat and it took me three tries to buckle you in because you kept trying to hold my head and kiss me. Most of the way back you were giving me wrong directions with your eyes closed and getting mad at me for going the wrong way.

"And then halfway home you called Hojun--"

"No I didn't…"

"You called Hojun and put him on speakerphone going 'hyung, Changminnie is here, and I love him' on the verge of tears while at the same time giving me directions. I told Hojun to come pick you up around 5 p.m. by the way."

"What did Hojun say?"

"He just kept going 'I know, I know, I know' and then you turned it on him and starting telling him how much you loved him and he told you to hang up and tell him tomorrow in person because it was like 4 a.m."

Yunho rolls over, facing Changmin and cracking his eyes open just a bit.

"How did I end up naked?"

"You got in the apartment and started stripping for absolutely no reason and stood out on the balcony smoking cigarettes with a hand on your hip talking about some philosophical bullshit."

Yunho starts laughing but then groans when his head pounds.

"I feel like dying," he says and rolls onto his back to put some distance between them.

"I still need you on this Earth so request denied. Are you going to get up yet?"

"No. Tell me things you like about me," Yunho whines.

Changmin frowns in thought, brushing some of Yunho's hair out of his face. He rubs at his temples in an attempt to get rid of his headache.

"Let's see, you're ruthless but in a lawful good way."

"What."

"Nevermind," Changmin says. "You have a pretty smile. It's lights up a 10ft radius around you."

Yunho gives a smug closed mouth smile and Changmin squeezes his cheek in return.

"What else… I like your body type. It's strong but it's still soft, which matches you." Changmin pauses to hum and return to rubbing circles around Yunho's wrist. Yunho sees him purse hi

"You have a lot of scars. Emotional, physical, mental. I don't like how they got there, and I don't know where some of them came from, but I wouldn't know you're hurting otherwise because you're stubborn like that. I don't want to see anymore but the ones that are there are reminders that you need someone to snap you out of your thoughts. This is morbid, but at least I can remind you you're powerful beneath that darkness face to face instead of slipping notes into your clothes."

Changmin goes silent and rubs his thumb over raised skin, breathing lightly next to Yunho's ear.

Yunho turns his head and steals a small kiss, upper lip pausing on Changmin's lower lip as he pulls back. He turns onto his side to get a better grasp on Changmin and put their foreheads together, as if hoping to get closer beyond physicality. A small part of Yunho hopes Changmin can hear his thoughts, hear his thank yous, but another part tells him Changmin has always heard them because he's humming a song both of them like and rubbing the spot on his back that's chronically in pain.

His headache melts.

"It's soup time," he whispers.

"It's also put on some underwear time," Changmin responds, pinching his ass.

\---

Changmin leaves first.

Yunho takes a long sip of his giant water cup as Changmin walks out of the apartment with three ridiculously expensive bottles of wine but he doesn't say anything disparaging as he goes through Changmin's movie collection.

Kyuhyun opens the door looking a bit miserable but perks up when he notices the wine.

"I guess we are getting fucked up on expensive wine to pretend we aren't still pretending we like alcohol for the flavor," he says, letting Changmin in.

"Speak for yourself. Although I do want to get fucked up."

They go through a bottle in 30 minutes. Despite his size all he's had today was that soup and he can already feel the heat in his cheeks. He's halfway through the second glass of the second bottle when he feels The News slowly making its way forward to the front of his mind. It /really/ shows because he just threw a raid and Kyuhyun nearly chucks the keyboard at his head.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Me and Yunho are dating."

Kyuhyun turns off the game and spins in his chair to face Changmin, nearly spinning too far but he grabs the edge of his desk before he rolls away.

"What, did you just say," Kyuhyun says slowly.

"Me and Yunho are together," Changmin says and knocks back the rest of the wine in one shot. He turns off his game too and wonders if Kyuhyun has Mario Kart laying around somewhere.

"Bro… That's gay," Kyuhyun says, just as cautious.

"Typically two men in a relationship are kind of gay, yes," Changmin says, cupping his face with his hands to cool off.

"When…"

"A month ago."

Kyuhyun fidgets and spins around towards his computer and back again at Changmin, taking time to think of questions. He grabs the bottle of wine and fills Changmin's glass all the way to the brim.

"Why?"

"Because I love him and he loves me? I mean. I mean we wouldn't be in this if it wasn't like this," Changmin grits, getting frustrated. Kyuhyun opens the third bottle as Changmin continues to talk angrily. "Are you going to ask me 'how' now? He was having an insecure breakdown and I told him I loved him and then he was like 'same' and now we are boyfriends and lay around in bed all day marathoning shitty tv shows. It's reassuring and stable and _domestic_."

Changmin leans back in his chair to catch a breath.

"Also there's a lot of kissing."

He leans over the glass on the desk to take a long sip in order to be able to pick the glass up without spilling red wine over his nice white pants. Kyuhyun pours all the way to the top of his glass too, his tight face even more warped in thought.

"So… who… does the thing…"

"What?" Changmin tilts his head to the right innocently.

"Who's on the bottom…"

"I don't get what you mean." He tilts it again the other way.

"Who sticks it in?" Kyuhyun starts fidgeting and takes to spinning left to right in his chair.

"I don't understand," Changmin says, taking another sip of his wine and opening a bag of chips from the snack bin underneath the desk.

"WHO GETS THE DICK IN THEIR ASS?"

Changmin looks at him like he just admitted to liking watersports or something equally unsanitary and crude.

"Does it matter?"

Kyuhyun shakes his head no, feeling slightly embarrassed and at the same time slightly pissed that he didn't get an answer. Changmin puts some chips in his mouth and chews loudly, expectant.

"Well, I'm happy for your codependent ass," Kyuhyun starts. He picks up his glass and holds it out to Changmin. "To a long and gay relationship."

They miss each other's glasses three times before actually clinking them together.

\---

Hojun picks him up an hour early because he's bored.

Yunho slams the door too hard as he jumps into his car, greeting him with a bear hug before either of them could say anything.

"The hangover must have not been that bad then," Hojun comments as Yunho nearly vibrates with energy. Yunho laughs and waves him off.

"Hyung, it was terrible. I just had a lot of soup and too much caffeine," Yunho says, slipping into dialect easily. They chat about what work they've been doing lately and Yunho calls their favorite take out place so they can at least get it when they make it back Hojun's.

At home, Hojun piles food on Yunho's plate, who slightly grimaces as it grows.

"You look a lot thinner," Hojun says, serving himself now.

"I haven't been feeling well lately."

Hojun hums in acknowledgement but the conversation ends there as they eat sitting next to each other on the couch.

A light goes off in Yunho's head as he chews and he all but throws his plate onto the coffee table in front of him, turning towards Hojun on the couch. He grabs his arm and stares at him intently, mouth parted in anticipation.

"I got together with Changmin," he says seriously.

Hojun's eyes widen and his mouth drops. Yunho nods his head as if confirming for a second time and Hojun grabs both of his shoulders giving him a look like he's done something like solve the water shortage.

" _Finally._ "

They both start jumping excitedly and highfiving while yelling absolute nonsense at each other. Yunho gets too into it and jumps over the back of the couch and runs around with his shirt over his head as if he's a soccer player, Hojun cheering for him as he circles the room.

"Years!"

"It's been years!" Yunho says, jumping back onto the couch and holding Hojun. "Hyung, every time I think about it I get so happy. I still feel like I'm going to explode and it's been a month."

"Sit down like a normal person and tell me everything," Hojun says, pushing Yunho to sit rather than kneel right in his face.

"Okay, well, I had a little break down concerning the future and he just confessed out of nowhere, which, hey, I didn't mind. So we just kept piggybacking off of each other's emotions and I fell asleep for the first time in way too many days. We still get mad at each other sometimes but now we kiss and boost each other's egos to dangerous extremes more often than not. He takes care of me."

"Good. You deserve to be taken care of," Hojun says. "Is it what you hoped for?"

"I can't even begin to tell you. I still get nervous about telling him things but I've gotten a lot better at it. It makes some things easier. Other than just being partners I feel like the events leading up to the whole thing helped us open up more about what's troubling us.

"It's healing, it's home. It's stability that I looked for, and domesticity that I needed, considering everything else around me," Yunho finishes, and he looks down as he gets overwhelmed with emotion. Hojun scoots closer to him and brings him into a hug, patting his back as Yunho whines in the affection.

"Have you been telling him about what's on your mind," Hojun presses. Yunho backs up and sniffs, trying to hide the emotion.

"No, but he's guessed. He really wants me to go to a therapist for," a vague handwave, "everything. Changmin's glib like that. I understand where he's coming from but I can't open up for him or even you, I don't think I could do it with a stranger."

Hojun nods and looks pensive but Yunho can't read anything past that. "I think it being a stranger that only knows what you show them is the point. How's your mood been?"

Yunho shuffles in his seat.

"Lately as in the past few weeks, really down. Like there's a numbness surrounding me. When I was in Japan for the tour I was feeling pretty great sans a few traumatic night terrors. I don't really know what happen but I'm thinking the slowdown in schedules and the realization that it's just a thing between us brought me down pretty quickly."

"Hmm."

"What?" A chill goes up his spine and anxiety follows, his chest tightening.

"I have my theories but before I tell you them, I have to tell you that I agree with Changmin on going to therapy. You have too many unchecked ghouls haunting you and only someone with the power to exorcise them can free you."

"I could have made a better metaphor," Yunho says, unimpressed but on edge.

"I apologize. What I'm saying is the more you keep that energy inside you the more it's going to eat at you. You're dealing with more than just the trauma but the resulting ailments from trying to deal with it in your own ineffective ways."

With a grimace on his face, Yunho leans back onto the couch cushions and crosses his arms and legs. "What are your theories then?"

"Well, I have to preface this by saying to take it with a grain of salt because I only took an entry level psychology course in a fit of ill intentioned voyeurism," Hojun says, straightening up in his seat and rubbing his chin. "But I have been researching whenever you come to mind, which is often. I think you have some sort of mood disorder. Like bipolar disorder."

Yunho frowns even more, feeling suddenly exposed.

"I've been your friend for years and the patterns are there. You'll have months where you're absolutely unstoppable and you just can't sit still, constantly creating, inventing, plotting. Where things set you off easy, where you can't even sleep. Then after that your self esteem vanishes and you'll start taking the blame for things you're not even involved in. You can't stop sleeping and you'll drink way more than you usually allow yourself to. The only thing that keeps you motivated is your need to be loved and return it, an example being how you work for your fans and Changmin. I don't have to elaborate on how this all could be self destructive, but if it's even being noticed by those around you I'd say it's a big deal."

"Did you just psychoanalyze me?" Yunho says as he gets up to refill his glass of water. Hojun leans over the back of the couch to face him and continue talking despite the barriers he keeps putting up and Yunho is simultaneously thankful and annoyed at the reading of his ills.

"As your hyung and best friend of 13 years, I think I have a duty to tell you you have a problem, and at the same time tell you you have a support system in me and Changmin," Hojun says diplomatically. He gives Yunho a reassuring smile as he makes his way back to the couch, sitting down a bit defeated. He slouches and sips at his water carefully as Hojun continues. "I won't push it if you don't want it, but I think just having an avenue outside of your cramped head to get things out would do well for you. I'm sure we could even add an incentive to the whole process. Changmin would be on board."

Yunho grumbles because he knows he's lost to Hojun. He always knows a way to put things in perspective and get him to do good things for himself, which wasn't a thing many other people could do. Or that people could even bring up to him in the first place.

"If I go to a session, we go bowling," Yunho says, obstinate as he turns his face the other way.

"That's doable," Hojun says. There's as shift in mood as Hojun smiles fondly at him and he can't help but smile back. "So. Do you want to talk about Changmin some more?"

"I _always_  want to talk about Changmin."

\---

Changmin takes a taxi to Yunho's apartment because he's spent the last hour stumbling around to get street food and he's too lazy to sober up and drive home.

Yunho's attempting the tidy the living room but mostly he's put all the trash in a large pile in the middle and Changmin walks in on him just staring at it like it's a puzzle with his hands on his hips.

"You're cleaning?" Changmin slurs as he plops the bags of food on the coffee table and goes to give him a backhug, resting his head on his shoulder.

"I guess you could call it that. Did you drive here?" He leans back into Changmin, still scrutinizing the pile of garbage.

"Nah, took a taxi," Changmin says. "How was Hojun hyung?"

"He's known about the whole 'I'm madly in love with you' thing for years now," Yunho emphasizes with air quotes although he's not sure if Changmin could see, "and he kind of guessed already because we usually hang out with friends immediately after getting back from Japan and we were just hanging out with each other. We celebrated with take out."

"Oh, that's good."

"He told me I should go to therapy too and we worked out a deal. We should work out one too," Yunho continues, starting to sway with Changmin. "Structured crafts time with Legos or whatever after every therapy session."

Changmin gives him a kiss on the cheek before falling onto the couch, pulling Yunho with him. Yunho flips him over so Changmin sits in between his legs instead, running his hands through his messy hair that smells like food and smoke.

"How was Kyuhyun?"

"He's really straight. It was kind of funny but really uncomfortable because he kept asking about my sex life with you but in a weird voyeuristic way rather than the 'hey man, nice!' way that he typically does," Changmin says, tilting his head back onto Yunho's chest. Yunho hugs him around the stomach and puts his chin on his head.

"Did you tell him we don't--"

"No, but it's funnier to see him struggle with the concept of sex between two people with penises. Expect a call from Heechul by the way. I saw him texting and there's a specific face he makes whenever it's Heechul. Halfway between horror and laughter."

"That sounds like a typical Heechul conversation." Yunho frowns a bit at the realization that his phone has been out of battery for a couple of hours. "He's going to be so mad I didn't tell him."

"Mm. You want to eat? I swear my bloodstream is just red wine right now," Changmin says, the smell of alcohol on his breath a little more than noticeable.

"Let me feed you as we bask in the romantic view of the ridiculous trash pile in the middle of my living room," Yunho murmurs, as he leans halfway off the couch to get the bag.

He only spills food on Changmin, like, two times maximum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just thought id add here at the end in lieu of the whole ebooks-tree disaster that if ur going to download my work id like u to leave me a comment saying so. i feel very uncomfortable having my work replicated somewhere n id at least like to know who has it. i dont really ask for much but feedback eases the anxiety that i just have ppl out here taking my Intellectual Property™ or having it passed around w/o my consent. 
> 
> anyway, thank u for the continued interest in my writing n i hope u enjoyed this


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for mental illness discussion, prescription/drug abuse, alcohol mentions, discussion of toxic/abusive relationship

Yunho lets out a low keening noise as he closes the front door to his apartment, letting his bag drop to the floor loudly.

Changmin looks over from the kitchen table as Yunho kicks off his shoes angrily, one flying across the entrace hallway, and stalks towards him. He looms over him, hands curled tightly into fists, face tight with frustration. Changmin sips at his tea as he looks up at him.

"Yes, giant baby?"

"Let me sit in your lap," Yunho grits. Changmin scoots back in the chair and cordially waves his hand over his lap. The mood hits Changmin so hard that he runs out of breath as Yunho immediately stradles him, slipping into a hug while burying his face in Changmin's neck. For a few moments he just breathes and Changmin takes another sip of his tea while patting him on the back. "I don't want to go back to therapy but I also don't want to give up."

He lets a out a breath and puts his lips to his throat, feeling Changmin's steady pulse. It's calming and steady, slowing his own heart rate down to something manageable and not thumps so loud he feels his whole body pound.

"Is it always that bad?" Yunho asks. He feels small as he grasps Changmin's shirt and crumples it in his hands, not knowing what to do with himself. Changmin leans his head on Yunho's and frowns, hand moving up to cradle his head.

"The first few times is the worst," he says quietly.

"I feel gutted and dirty and overexposed. Everything…" The sentence doesn't get finished and Yunho swallows around the lump in his throat.

"I know. You don't have to talk about it."

"She asked about _everything_ ," Yunho says again, wrecked and desperate for Changmin to understand. The edge isn't lost on him, so he squeezes him tighter before pulling him back.

"Let's take a nap, okay? We don't have to think on this for too long." Yunho gets up from his lap to walk in one direction, then turning, as if confused and trapped. Changmin quickly follows suit, guiding him into the kitchen to making sure he's holding onto the counter for stability. "I have my anxiety pills with me, you could just take one and relax. Is that okay? Are you okay with that?"

Yunho nods as he leans back into the counter, chest heaving as a panic attack hits. In the meantime, Changmin fills up a glass of water and rushes over to his bag to retrieve the pills. Panic crawls up his spine too as Yunho shivers and takes shallow breaths and he feels like he can't open the bottle fast enough. Shaking out a few pills, he hands Yunho one, guiding his hand to his mouth and making sure Yunho drinks enough water. With whatever is left in the cup, he takes one for himself with Yunho watching him through dazed eyes, shivering.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay. Let's, let's go take a nap, alright? We both need a nap," Changmin says, leading Yunho back to his room. The mess seems to have grown since the last time Changmin was in the room but his concern snaps back to Yunho, who crawls into bed and drags his large comforter around his head like a cocoon. He crawls in after him, and they just hold hands while laying on their backs, staring at the ceiling as their breaths even out.

"I think I get your bed," Changmin says, 15 minutes later. He's still holding Yunho's hand tightly and they're sharing three blankets trying to regain body heat. "It's like a nest. It feels safe. Just a lot of thick blankets and soft pillows."

Yunho's breathing heavily through his nose still as he turns his head to Changmin.

"I'm sorry," he says again. Changmin squeezes his hand twice in light admonishment.

"Don't be sorry for your feelings. None of this is your fault," Changmin responds. He turns his head to Yunho, who's still looking up at the ceiling pointedly. "It's not your fault that years of traumatic experiences have warped our brains into hypervigilant tumors bent on our self destruction."

Yunho sneers.

"I think I'm going to go back to therapy too."

"Since we share the same one can I talk less?" Yunho asks. He's still slightly out of breath but it's much better than the heaving he was doing earlier.

"You want me to go in there and talk about things I don't even know about?" He didn't mean for it to come out harshly but Yunho's brow flinches and he feels guilty immediately. "It'll get better. Sooner or later. Probably later. It took me at least a year before I could walk out of there not completely unhinged."

"When was this?"

"Sometime in 2011."

"We fought so much that whole year. A whole year? It took you a whole year to not feel this bad after?"

"Yes."

"Christ. Christ, I'll be in the army with all this shit dredged up. They'll take me off active duty. I can't not do active duty." There's an underlying edge to his voice but the ability to get worked up is muted. Changmin stares at the crease in his brow and then at the turn of his lips. There's acne that he's been picking at on his cheekbone and his scars look like canyons and the portrait of stress frightens Changmin. It's not that he's been oblivious to it, it just comes in waves of nausea.

"This. What you're going through. That's a disability, you know? It's valid."

"Do you see anyone being validated or even being treated as a human for being crazy? They make one drama about mental illness and the whole nation changes?"

Changmin turns his head back to the ceiling and frowns.

"The only reason I'm still here is because I don't need anyone else's pity," he begins, stonefaced. "I have myself. I have you who has me. I've only survived this far through protecting myself from other people and keeping them at arms length, because they aren't gonna give me what I need. They all want to hurt us, even the people that smile and sign our paychecks. They want to touch your face and get your DNA under their fingernails and use you up. No one wants to deal with the ugly, so they'll suck everything else out of you and the way they do that is to tell you what your worth and make sure you don't earn your own soul back. I don't need it. I don't care if every person tells me I'm wrong for existing in a world not made for me. I already have all I need."

Yunho rolls over onto his side, facing Changmin. His face is neutral but his eyes are hard.

"It's really easy for you to say that."

"Of course it is. I have practice. And now I know it well enough to try and protect you with it. Though it's not like I'm not hurt by it. I'm hurt that I have to live like this and I'm hardened to the point where you're shut out too. It's lonely but since it's only me and you, it's worth it. You're the only opinion I care about."

"And if I hurt you?"

"That's not you talking. I know you."

Shifting onto his back again, Yunho plays with Changmin's fingers, rolling them at the joints and rubbing circles around his knuckles. Slightly squeezing, he cracks Changmin's knuckles, who sighs lightly at the feeling. He turns it over and massages the fleshy part of his palms and passively thinks about how nicely his hands fit over Changmin's.

"You have cute hands. I've known but I just thought I'd let you know again."

"Shut up."

Yunho hums and continues, feeling out the bones in his wrist and fingers, trying to feel what Changmin's like inside.

"I'm pretty amazed with how susceptible I am to depressants," Yunho says. For some reason he feels like he's swimming on his back, gently riding waves. He knows the reason, maybe, actually, but he'd rather just go with it than put any effort into the thought.

"You're pretty highstrung. They're doing what they should."

"Hmm. Do you feel comfortable telling me about 2010 or 11? In retrospect I was kind of really shitty. Hojun hyung was telling me about mixed episodes, that's where I was during that time I think."

He lifts their hands out of the blankets so he can look at Changmin's hand and how it fits in his hand and how his hand is very boney compared to Changmin's soft and dainty hand. Changmin's hand goes limp so he lets it drop, seeing the comforter envelop his arm with how plush it is.

"It was terrifying. I was terrified. I felt like the world got turned on its head and I didn't know what I was doing. I trusted you and followed you 'cause I still worshipped the put together leader. Completely unreal."

"Oh jeez."

"I'd already been anxious and not in a good place, so it just shattered me. Back then I had buffers and if I slipped away it wasn't a big deal but you were the only one I had around and I couldn't shake the idealized version I had of you in my head. I went to therapy just to get out of the dorms because I've never been a high social energy person and I couldn't take the fights. Constant panic attacks. Literally everything was a landmine."

Yunho moves to slip his arm back under the covers but Changmin grabs it, holding his hand again.

"So I had a panic attack right in front of the psych just because I had to visit one in the first place. He just gave me so many refills and it didn't matter if I was finished in two months, he would just prescribe more. After a while you just got sad instead of angry and I'd just sit on the couch high as hell as you drank and watched My Sassy Girl on repeat. It was really weird. That whole time was really weird. There's a bunch of holes in my memory."

"I'm… really sorry."

"I know. I know _you_ ," Changmin says. He turns over slowly and switches from his left hand to his right hand. It's cold and Yunho responds by rubbing warmth into that one too. "I wasn't any better. I was a literal zombie and I used the adrenaline from the anxiety to do the stages and popped pills after each one. After one stage in Japan you absolutely cracked and kissed me. I just let it happen and watched you bawl your eyes out for I think the second time in my life. I didn't even do anything, just sat on the couch and touched my lips 'cause I felt like I was out of my body and I didn't know if I was real or not. You were on the floor of the hotel room curled up and I just watched you."

"Oh my God. That was really bad. Changmin, I'm so sorry," says Yunho. It's as panicked as blunted affect could possibly get but he turns over to face Changmin, who just stares at him like he's ridiculous.

"Yunho… We're a couple. We wouldn't be one if it wasn't for that, honestly."

"Oh. Then you're welcome?"

Changmin shoves his shoulder lightly, smirking.

"The good news is, we are not incredibly toxic for each other anymore, I have a self control of steel that got me to stop taking so many pills, we found out what the fuck is wrong with you, _and_  we are a cute couple."

"We are so close to our happy ending. Although I'm not particularly excited about being medicated for the rest of my life."

"You win some you lose some. Where are we running away to after we eventually get outed?"

"I liked Spain. We learned Japanese, Spanish could be fun with the right amount of masochism that we enjoy. And I really liked paella." Changmin looks up and to the right, thinking about the possibility. Yunho for whatever reason reaches out to drag his bottom lip down with his thumb, letting it go so it snaps back into place.

"Spain is nice. We could do the whole hetero institution of marriage thing and invite absolutely no one except our best friends. I really feel like Kyuhyun would be up to being the flower girl. Minho can be the ring bearer because he still looks like a nine year old and Heechul can just… be a decoration."

"I… Hm. I just had a thought but I'll tell you later."

At this point they're just playing thumb war, Yunho losing mostly. Changmin lets him win once but then beats him another three times before Yunho just pushes his hand away.

"Okay, wait, you're not hanging out with Hojun today I'm assuming…"

"Oh shit. I am pretty sure my vision is too wacked out to text him and I don't really want to call him sounding this messed up."

Yunho fishes his phone out of his pocket and Changmin takes it out of his hands immediately, punching in his passcode and looking some sort of nefarious.

"Let me dictate for you. Are you ready? Hojunnie hyung, and drag out the hyung cutely, I'm really tired so please forgive me for not being able to make it today." He pauses to let Changmin catch up with typing. "This weekend let's meet up for sure. I love you, and write 'I love you' cutely too."

"Okay, I'll read it back. Ahem. This is Shim Changmin of legendary idol group Dong Bang Shin Ki. I am texting you, Son Hojun-ssi, to inform you that your dongsaeng, Jung Yunho-ssi, is in a comatose state because he had to think about negative things for longer than five minutes. Oh no, he is dying. He is dead. Don't text back." Changmin finishes after emphasizing every syllable stoically. "And it's sent."

"I can't believe you. But also I can."

Changmin laughs brightly, pushing at Yunho until he cracks and laughs with him. They try to play fight but it ends when Yunho hits Changmin in the nose by mistake and he lets out an inhuman shriek. It doesn't stop Yunho from laughing though.

"Okay, okay. Can I be absolutely 100% real, honestly, not playing?" Yunho asks, suddenly getting serious.

"Go for it."

"Why are you so fake deep?"

Changmin grabs him by the wrists and tries to make Yunho hit himself.

\---

The first one to wake up is Changmin.

He's scrolling through his phone as Yunho stirs, somehow dragging himself farther upon Changmin's chest than a sleeping person should be able to.

"Wake up. I found couple outfits." Changmin taps his forehead lightly with his pointer finger, Yunho slowly raising his head with each tap. He still has his eyes closed although he's facing him so Changmin gives him small pecks. Wrinkling his nose, he blinks as if he's an infant seeing things for the first time.

"Where am I? You're so beautiful."

"Your room? Can't you tell from the stink of the cologne I buy you every year because it's the only constant in your life?"

The weight of Yunho's head makes it fall onto Changmin's chest again and he uses the opportunity to shove his phone in Yunho's face.

"Couple outfits."

On screen are matching track suits in blue and red with the round hats that old women wear to keep the sun off their faces. The collage also includes chunky white sneakers with velcro straps that old men love to wear as recommended by their podiatrist. Yunho wakes up immediately, simultaneously appaled and in love with everything.

"Where's my credit card? Wait, I have the number on Amazon Prime, we can get these by tomorrow."

Yunho rattles off his email and his password and Changmin stops him halfway through the password.

"Why, of all the things you could make your password, why would you make it my name?"

"You didn't let me finish. It's 'changminsucks' but the Ss are dollar signs." Changmin inputs the password, only partially pissed off that it actually logs in.

As they search they talk about the different occasions they could wear their outfits, such as company dinner parties, or a movie premiere, or the MAMAS. Their manager has hinted that they've thrown out their next single and have given it to Exo because the guide track with their voices was so much better than the original, and they throw around the idea of centering their final comeback before service based around the outfits.

"We could get them in every color. I'm sure there's also a bedazzling gun on here somewhere, and we can get pants a size smaller so our ugly white socks can show," Changmin says as he scrolls through the pages, giving Yunho the satisfaction of clicking the buy button.

After they finish purchasing, they sit in silence staring at the invoices.

"Why did we," Changmin starts but can't finish.

"I call the red suit," Yunho murmurs, touching the screen to see what Changmin has open on his other tabs.

\---

Changmin still has trouble figuring out which things Yunho is serious about and the things that he says as an extremely dry joke, one of those being the structured craft time.

They're sitting at Yunho's kitchen table with a box of crayons, Changmin staring blankly at his sheet of paper. Yunho's pulled out another one of his notebooks and is paying close attention to the color theory of his rainbow heart, making sure that none of the colors ruin the composition.

"Do you just do anything in your notebooks or is there a system?" Changmin asks, actually curious.

"Leather books are for writing, the tiny notepads are for inventions, hard cover is for theory writing, cardboard covers are drawings and charcoal, and recently I've gotten into repurposing old books for blackout poetry and concept art pieces," Yunho says blankly, eyes never lifting off his heart which is now composed of at least 9 different colors radiating from it towards the edge of the page.

"Oh." Changmin suddenly feels a bit jealous and slightly embarrassed for doubting the variety of things Yunho tries to tackle. One time he made a joke about wanting to be a renaissance master, a master of everything, and looking back on it it might have been one of those things he was serious about. "Can I… read some of your writing? I know you've mentioned it before."

Yunho stops coloring and flushes the same color as the scarlet crayon he's holding.

"I've never shown anyone before but. Well I don't know. See, I've written a lot of stuff so there's a lot to choose from," he says, the words tripping over themselves. Changmin notices it's the same kind of nervousness Yunho radiates when he's not sure of himself, which was generally rare, but also one of the most uncomfortable things for him.

"I want to see the ones you're working on now, or the ones you like best."

"Oh. Okay." Yunho gets up robotically and goes towards his room, stiff and unnatural, conscious of the way he walks when judging eyes are on him. He's gone for a couple of minutes before he pads back somehow looking even redder, carrying a pink journal with cherry blossom decorations on it. Sitting down with it clenched in both hands, as if scared to let it go, he holds it out to Changmin. Accepting it with both hands, Changmin tries to pull it towards him but Yunho keeps an iron grip on it, pursing his lips and looking as if he's giving away his first born child. Irritated, Changmin goes to say something when Yunho cuts him off.

"You have to tell me what you think as you read it, okay? It's okay if you skip around because there's a lot but I'd like to get some feedback."

As he nods, Yunho releases his grip and Changmin slides it out from his finger tips, Yunho's hands still in the same position as if he was holding an invisible book. Changmin flips through the pages and sees that nearly all of them are completely filled with Yunho's careful handwriting, some with sticky notes with comments on them, some frustrated scribbles along the sides of the pages. He notices a pattern with the colors of the ink and the sticky notes and looks up at Yunho, now extremely pale.

"Are they by story?"

"Yes."

"Which would should I pick?

"Whatever color you like best I suppose," Yunho says, voice tapering off.

Changmin places the book on it's spine and lets the ends fall. It lands on a page with a blue sticky note with writing completely in deep purple gel pen.

"Oh… I like that one a lot."

"Really? I'll enjoy it then," Changmin says turning his head towards the book. Yunho twirls a crayon through his peripheral vision and sometimes it flies out of his hands with the speed he moves it between his fingers.

Changmin doesn't know if it's surprising or not, but the story is good.

The premise is about a young alien rebel called Ulala who saves Juruk, a prisoner of intergalactic war, from an evil empires clutches and deal with the emotional fallout of being survivors from wartorn planets that have nothing to do with the opposing forces. As he reads, he comments on powerful lines, good dialogue, and the deep characterization of the main characters and the actually frightening nature of the antagonists. Yunho eats up the comments, mentally writing them down.

"It ends there?" Changmin says, sniffing a bit. Ulala, although a brillant tactician, asks Juruk to come to a neutral planet some star systems away with the orphan, Kyul, they've found in an abandoned warship and alludes to a pivotal event to come. Juruk, feeling conflicted, eventually agrees as the child is more important to her living without anymore needless scars. The story ends with them talking to the child about the trip they were going on and all the generally normal childhood things the kid will be able to experience with Kyul the night before the departure. It breaks Changmin's heart.

"Yes. I thought it'd just drag after that," Yunho says, picking up on how shiny Changmin's eyes are and trying to hide a grin by pursing his lips.

"I want to know if Juruk tells Ulala she likes her."

"Uh, I wrote it? What do you think? Anyway, everything in that book is part of a megaverse and I wrote a tiny story about them taking Kyul to her first day of school because I was sad."

Changmin flips through the book, reading pages here and there. He stops on a page that details a murder in neon pink gel pen and turns to Yunho.

"What's this one about?"

"The princess of the empire is set to be married with a prince from another planet for political reasons and after he visits her and verbally abuses her, her handmaiden kills him because she loves the princess with all her heart and they steal a shitload of precious things and go off the grid. I like that one too because it's the beginning of the end for the empire."

Reading a little bit more of the story, Changmin's stomach lurches when the handmaiden drops the prince's dead body in front of the princess, who only laughs because his slug body is covered in salt and dehydrated.

"Are all these stories about girls?" Changmin says, flipping through again and noticing a pattern.

"Hm, yeah they are," Yunho says, tapping on the table nervously. "Well, aliens are aliens. I don't think they have a binary genders and pronouns aren't gendered either so I used an approximation. I'm sure on their home planets they'd have different pronouns with separate views on gender."

Changmin nods in understanding, looking down to think.

"Why girls?"

"I like girls," Yunho says, turning red again.

"You like girls…" Changmin says, not understanding.

"I think, girls in love is the purest love," Yunho clarifies.

He starts sweating and scratching the table with all of his fingers like a cat, albeit a nervous one, looking away from Changmin.

"Ohhhh, so this is what you meant while you were ranting on my balcony the other day…" Changmin says slowly.

"I don't remember. Because I was drunk. Drunk people say wild things."

"No, drunk people say what they really feel," Changmin says, same slow pace as if approaching an answer. "Saying gender is socially constructed, women loving women is inherently radical, and that gender is a feeling… That's not exactly things drunk people make up."

Yunho crosses his arms on the table and puts his head down. Changmin leans over to scratch the back of head, frowning in thought.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want, but I did look it up. Performative heteromasculinity sucks the more I notice it."

Going still for a moment, Yunho sighs.

"I've wanted to tell you about it but I didn't know how you'd take it. You're kind of mean when you think I'm wrong," Yunho says, voice muffled as he speaks at the table.

"I'm trying to be more gentle," Changmin says softly. He puts his cold fingers on Yunho's red ears to cool them down a bit. "If it's important to you it's important to me."

Yunho lifts his head suddenly, only revealing his eyes which look unsure and even scared. "Do you ever read things that made you think of every strange thought about yourself you've ever had?"

Changmin runs his fingers through his bangs once before removing his hand, passing it over the cover of Yunho's journal. "I have, yes."

"Don't you find it stressful that you had all these expectations placed on you at birth? It's so stressful," Yunho says, putting his head back down. "It'd just be passing thoughts. Why did I have to start all these sentences with 'because I'm a man'? Do I stop being a man after I say it? Then I started researching about it and reading all this theory and it made it worse."

A giant resounding 'I know' passes through Changmin's mind but instead of talking all he does is squeeze Yunho's arm.

"Do you remember when I dated Boa?"

"Yes. And I remember when she came out as a lesbian directly afterwards."

"Well, she was a lesbian in our relationship too," Yunho says. One eye peeks out from his arms, obviously gaging Changmin's reaction.

The meaning hits him seven seconds later and all he can manage is a dumb sounding "ohhhh."

"I would go over to her place and she'd paint my nails and then take them off before I left. We only dated for a couple of months a few years ago but you really learn about yourself in a relationship. I really like blue nailpolish, for example." Slowly, his head lifts up out of his arms as Changmin leans back in his chair, arms uncrossed and body language open.

"Do you… need to be called anything else?"

"Not really. I need you to use she though," Yunho says, getting up to stretch and feeling like she's lost 50 pounds. Changmin gets up with her and hugs her as she turns around, resting his head on her shoulder, Yunho jumping from the sudden move

"Thank you for trusting me with this. It was really brave of you," he says quietly. Yunho grabs his arms and leans into him, looking down and smiling faintly. "If you don't mind me asking, are you a lesbian too?"

"Theoretically. Of course you of all people had to be an exception. Always getting your way," Yunho says, sighing dramatically.

"Well, if you're a lesbian then I'm a lesbian."

Yunho spins around in Changmin's arms, fixing him with an incredulous look.

"You're right. Being a man is a lot of stress and I'm a lazy fuck," Changmin says with his hands on his hips, speaking nonchalantly. "Anyway, I got really attached to calling myself gay. And I really love your writing."

Changmin nearly falls to the floor after Yunho jumps on him, holding his face and grinning into a kiss.

\---

After one shopping trip for a nail set and cuticle oil and three movies about girls loving girls, all recommended by Yunho, they sit on the couch in silence while Changmin massages some of her moisturizer onto Yunho's face, preening over her.

"This was a good decision. I love being a girl and I love you," Changmin says, using her thumbs to massage the lymphnodes out of Yunho's jawline like people at the facial treatment spas did.

"Isn't it great? All we did was transcend gender and now I can show you all the wedding dresses I like without it being weird and all the clothes I want without you asking me why I'd want sweatpants with words on the butt," Yunho practically chirps, admiring her fixed nails.

"Was that reverse psychology? Why do you want pants with words on the butt?"

Yunho elbows her which doesn't go far considering the amount of muscles in Changmin's stomach but she still retaliates by squeezing her cheeks.

Afterwards they settle back down again, Changmin moving to just hugging Yunho again as she nods off.

"I read that one poem in that journal while you were making popcorn," Changmin says. She presses into Yunho's stomach, feeling at ease in Yunho's softness. "Spring Rain. That could be a song, you know. Although the title is bit dubious considering your love of bad puns."

Yunho snorts, smiling a bit while embarrassment lightly colors her cheeks. "I can't believe you read that."

"It was good. It was really good, I really love it. I'm already thinking of melodies."

"No way… Are you serious?" Yunho says, looking up at Changmin.

"Since our comeback got cancelled again we should just record the song and go out with it. I have songs too, we could just bully everyone out of the studios to work on them. A little mini album of relaxing love songs and no EDM." She kisses Yunho's hair and grabs her hands, flipping them palms up sliding her fingers between Yunho's.

"I like that," Yunho says cutely after a pause.

"The hook is really good. I'll bloom again, just give me time," Changmin sings into Yunho's ear, and her words to Changmin's melody brings the emotions she put into writing it to her eyes. Changmin lifts up her hand with Yunho's still in them and wipes her eyes with both of them, making her laugh through the tears. "You're a good writer. I'd like to read more if you'd let me."

"I'll give you some of my journals to take home so I don't have to anxiously sit through you reading. You make faces. But should text me what you think though."

"Of course," Changmin murmurs, running her thumbs down the deep lines in Yunho's palms. For a second she focuses on Yunho, the way her hands are still rough after being tended to, the smell of her shampoo, the way she relaxes for once in her goddamn life in Changmin's arms. It's all very cute, and Changmin wants to tell her each thing she finds beautiful and ideal about Yunho, but the words jumble up in her mouth and all she can say is "I need you."

Yunho looks up coyly through her eyelashes, smile fond as she leans her cheek against Changmin's chest.

"You have me."

They sit for a while with the weight of their words, Yunho's kitchen clock ticking in the distance. There's a drowsy haze mixed in with the warmth they've made and it's almost enough for them to just sleep on the couch tonight rather than move.

"You know," Changmin begins, quietly but in the same tone she uses to be an ass. "We should eventually apologize to Soshi for stealing their title."

"They'll live," Yunho says simply, and closes her eyes again to rest against her girlfriend's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spring rain - 봄 비 - bom bi
> 
> LMFAO THIS CHAPTER.... ive never written this much at a time... all i have to say is ive been giddy abt this chapter since i first thought of this fic bc ive wanted to write trans homin for years n now ive finally gotten my chance. i love it. this is my favorite chapter. i want to see if i could outdo myself in the next one so keep a look out
> 
> as always, i hope u enjoyed this n thank u for ur continued interest n support


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JKNDSJKANFF  
> im sitting here, on my knees, an arm out. my voice is cracked, perhaps im dehydrated, for sure im dying. with my last breath i say... please trust me on this...TRUST ME
> 
> but srsly this chapter is gonna be the Heaviest one out of all of them (altho my high council said it wasnt that bad?) but it gets a lot better from here. i just had the idea stuck in my head lol. i even wrote another chapter to post at the same time bc i felt rly bad. i mean... its my fanfiction... im a self indulgent piece of shit... so that includes a happy ending...
> 
> warnings: junsu tw, mentions of the casting couch/industry grossness, statutory violence/capitalism/alienation of workers from their labor, blood, alcohol, suicide mentions

Yunho gets about four hours of sleep so she decides to just get out of bed at five something in the morning.

She sends a quick 'good morning~' text to Changmin and goes to make pancakes. Her kitchen in the mornings is always her favorite place because it faces east and the light eases through, making everything kind of dreamy and soft, a comfortable and private quiet. Opening her fridge, she finds a pitcher of iced coffee she didn't actually make and smiles, pulling it out to pour herself a cup.

It's a pancake morning, she thinks, and it's definitely not because she has nothing else in her kitchen, of course not. Before she can get started, she gets a text.

_Call?_

"What are you doing up," Yunho asks the second Changmin picks up the phone.

"I had trouble sleeping, so now I'm just going over sheet music," Changmin answers, voice gravely. "Did you see the iced coffee I left you?"

Yunho smiles into a sip so Changmin can hear the ice cubes klink. "Yes I did. Made my morning."

She puts her phone on speaker and leaves it on the counter as she reads the instructions on the box. They seem simple enough but there's always the underlying threat of completely fucking something up that seems to follow her.

"What are you making? I hear it."

"Pancakes. It's a pancake morning," Yunho hums, still reading the box as she pours water into the mix.

"Oh…"

"What?"

"Well, good luck with that," Changmin says. "If you like them fluffier add less water and let it sit for a couple of minutes before you put it in."

Yunho pauses to add more mix after hearing that. She doesn't know if the measurements add up but the batter seems to be coming together.

"Do you have vanilla in your kitchen?"

"Yeah, from the time I tried to make pudding," Yunho says, going back to the fridge to retrieve it from the door.

"Tried…," says Changmin dubiously. "Put 3/4's of a teaspoon because I know you like it sweet." Looking at all the different spoons in the silverware drawer, she goes with the one that looks like it should be hanging off a keychain. Yunho tries to measure it out but gives up and just dumps the spoon in the batter.

As she waits for the batter, she preps the pan and listens to Changmin hum whatever she's writing over the phone. The gentleness of the morning definitely signifies a pancake morning and Yunho mentally notes the feeling to recreate in the future. After a couple of minutes she goes to pour in her first pancake.

Changmin stops humming to nag. "Only flip it over when the top starts bubbling. I can feel you wanting to flip it already over the phone."

"It's a huge pancake and I want to flip it," Yunho whines softly. When she does go to flip it, the pancake lands on the edge and leaves a trail of batter down the side of the pan. "Woops."

"Make the next one smaller," Changmin sighs.

Her first pancake comes out a little burnt, but by the third she has somewhat of a handle on both the flipping and the timing. As the batter runs out she resorts to making tiny pancakes, revelling in the novelty. She turns off the stove and throws the pan in the sink with all the other dirty dishes she's neglected and plates her pancakes in a visually pleasing fashion. Taking time to be proud, she snaps a picture and sends it to Changmin. In the soft lighting of her kitchen, it looks like something you'd see in a home magazine, barring the burnt pancake and the lopsided placement of all them due to their varying sizes.

"Oh, I'm proud of you. Good job," Changmin says after opening the text.

"Facetime me as I eat them."

"No, my mustache is horrendous."

"I haven't shaved either, don't be a baby," Yunho whines as she turns on her camera. She grimaces at her hair and tries to pat it down while Changmin laughs. Eventually she turns hers on too, standing it up against some books so she doesn't have to hold it. Somehow despite her lack of sleep her skin looks soft and her hair is perfect. There's a mess of papers all over her desk and the blackout curtains are closed, the only light source being a tiny lamp on the corner. "Open a window, you freak."

Changmin drags her hands down her face, stretching her eyelids so Yunho knows just how much she doesn't care. In retaliation, Yunho chews with her mouth open.

"Are we going to the studio today?"

"Considering I have all of this music, we could definitely bring this up. They're going to manipulate us into using one of the producers but we have to be strong and manipulate them back with a sob story about how this is our /last comeback/. And also that we make most of their money anyway."

Yunho snorts and takes another bite of her pancakes. They actually came out decent, tasting as good as they looked. She takes a moment to be thankful she actually has some semblance of an appetite to finish them at all. Chewing happily, she doesn't realize she's practically bouncing along to her own beat while eating until she sees Changmin just staring at her out of the corner of her eye, chin in hand, thoughtful.

"What…"

"You're cute. You even dance when you eat."

Yunho blushes and Changmin spares her the embarrassment by telling her to be at the company at 8 a.m and hanging up, but not before blowing a kiss.

\---

Changmin brings her guitar and plays a few chords for Yunho.

It turns into a small jam session with them both vocalizing nonsense syllables and Changmin improvising, making their own guides for the songs. There is progress in terms of recording but they realize they probably do need a producer when they get in the booth and Yunho spins in her chair, groaning at the thought of someone coming in to boss them around.

Someone does come in, but it's not any of the soundcrew. Instead, a shy Minseok enters and bows nervously.

"Hi," Yunho greets, getting up to hug him. Changmin sits on the soundtable with her arms crossed, smiling faintly as Yunho ruffles his hair like a kid. "What's going on?"

"Your manager stopped me in the hallway and asked me to go find you two," he says, nervousness thick in his voice. It might be the most she's heard him speak, Changmin thinks. "He was kind of mad."

"He's always mad 'cause we're rascals. Where's he at?"

"In one of the meeting rooms on the East side. Okay, he was really mad," Minseok spits out, almost shaking.

Yunho looks back at Changmin, eyes wide and lips pursed. Changmin frowns and gets up, leading them all out of the studio.

"Did he tell you anything?" She asks as they walk down the hallway together. "We haven't even… done anything. All of our comeback songs have been scrapped and the only dance practice we've been doing is for our Japanese fanmeet."

"We've had too many vacation days," Yunho says, pretending to sound enlightened. "They need to justify how big that check we're getting from our last tour is with random schedules."

Minseok stops as they get to the meeting rooms, nervously twisting his hands. There's something about the hallways, completely white with glass walls, that makes them all shiver. It looks like a hospital. Or something from a futuristic movie about corrupt governments. It's a sanitized version comfort that even makes Changmin, who loves modern design, feel chills go down her spine.

"I have to go back to practice so I'll see you later," he says, laughter hollow as he walks away slowly.

Yunho and Changmin watch him leave before looking at each other, Changmin sniffing at the awkwardness.

"That was ominous," Yunho says as she opens one of the glass doors to one of the meeting rooms, their manager going over papers while red in the face. She tries not to slam the door, scared that both it and the glass walls would shatter even though she's never heard of them doing that before.

Yunho takes the head of the table because it makes her feel important and Changmin takes the chair to the left which is across from their manager who is still ruffling through papers.

"You wanted to see us?" Yunho says, smiling brightly.

"Yes," he says tightly, reaching in the manila envelope to the side. He takes out a bunch of pictures and looks over them once before throwing them on the table. "What are these pictures?"

Changmin's stomach drops and her breath hitches as she picks up a picture of them both under the streetlamp at the dog park. She looks to Yunho for guidance and just finds her staring blankly at a photo of them in Yunho's car, laughing at something but they both know what happened before that. Yunho picks up another picture and it's them at a night market wearing masks, Changmin fixing Yunho's bangs under her hat.

She puts them back down on the table and folds her hands. "It's us having fun, sir."

Their manager swings at Yunho's face.

She falls out of her chair and looks up at him with wide eyes, clutching her face as she bleeds from a cut in her mouth. Changmin rushes to her side and props her up, looking first at her injury then at their manager, livid and dangerous.

"You think this is a joke? If these pictures leak it's _over_ ," their manager spits, grabbing them by the handful and showering them over both of their heads. "Over a month of fucking pictures, look at this!"

He dumps the whole envelope over them and then throws it to the side, the slap of the envelope hitting the glass a sick break to the silence.

"So it's funny? You know what's funny Yunho, it doesn't matter how many awards you've won or how many hours you've worked or how many fans you have. That spotless record? That only makes things worse. They can drag this out over years, find proof about anything. It's all for nothing. All that blood, sweat, and tears, all those _favors_ ," he laughs, hysterical, "all those favors don't mean shit. They don't mean _anything_."

Changmin bristles, as she helps Yunho up, supporting her until Yunho can stand on her own. She looks distant, past their manager's head through all the glass walls, straight through the hallway, at the red exit sign in the corner.

"What the fuck did you just insinuate," Changmin says lowly.

"What? You don't know? He didn't tell you?" He steps forward to Yunho, who's eyes are unfocused, not even noticing the slap that comes out of nowhere. "Fucking rat."

Changmin lashes out, grabbing his arm and twisting it.

"Let go of me," their manager screams, hitting Changmin in the nose with his other fist. Changmin lets him go to grab her nose, shocked at the force.

"Fucking try it again. Try and hit Yunho again," Changmin says, blood coming through her fingers as she rears up again. Her face and ears glow red from the adrenaline and blood pumping through her and she could just go after him if she wasn't terrified of him calling a handler.

Their manager backs down, noticing just how big she is in comparison to him. Scoffing, he makes a bigger mess of the pictures and turns to leave.

"Pick all of this up. The CEO wants you in his office tomorrow morning at 8, with a plan. He already has one in mind but lets see what you fucking idiots come up with."

Changmin doesn't even wait for him to leave before turning to Yunho. She's about to touch her but remembers all the blood on her hand and flinches before guiding her to sit down with her other hand.

As she sits her down, she spots a camera pointing directly at them and gasps, then focuses back on Yunho who's now just breathing heavily, convulsing and teary. She grabs some of the pictures and mops up the blood from her hands with them and then turns to focus on the blood dribbling out of Yunho's mouth.

"It's gonna be okay, we're gonna be alright," Changmin says as she cups Yunho's face, trying to reach her. "Do you need a pill? Yunho?"

Her hands are shaking against Yunho's face as Yunho responds by giving several small nods, still trying to suck in air. Changmin jumps up and goes to rummage through her bag, nearly displacing everything else and finding the bottle. The water bottle she drags around is empty and she yells in frustration, kicking a chair.

She slides down to Yunho's eye level again, squeezing her knee and trying to get her attention. "I need to go get water, okay? Breathe through your nose and out your mouth, I'll be right back. I love you, I love you, I love you."

Changmin takes off, leaving the room door open, Yunho's sobs propelling her down the hallway with the water bottle. She nearly falls trying to turn a corner, and the blood coming out of her nose is sliding across her cheeks as she scrambles to find a water fountain. There's one near the bathrooms and she has a fit when the water fills not as quickly to her liking, which is immediately.

Minho and Taemin exit the bathroom and turn towards her, at first pleasant then shocked as they catch the blood all over her.

"Changmin?" Minho says, running to her side immediately. She pushes him away, eyes wild as she looks between her friend and Taemin who's paralyzed in shock.

"I can't, Yunho, Yunho," she says, sucking in breaths that hurt. She shakes while holding the bottle. "Is Heechul here?"

"Yes, what, what's going on?"

"Tell Heechul the East meeting rooms, please, hurry," Changmin says, quickly capping the water bottle and running back. On her way back, she finds Minseok and Jongdae at the door of the meeting room, unsure on whether or not the enter.

"What happened," Minseok asks, panicked. Jongdae walks in slowly, looking around at the blood on the tile and the scattered photographs. Minseok pulls him back, defensive of the space this situation needs.

"Shit. Absolute shit," Changmin answers, running around the table to Yunho, who's down to rocking in the chair, face completely blank sans a couple of stray tears. She kneels again, putting the pill in Yunho's mouth and urging her to drink. With effort, she does and then bends over to put her face in her hands. Changmin looks at the pills in her hand fights with herself on whether or not she wants to take one, or multiple, but the fear decides for her anyway.

"Can you two, please leave?" She says out of breath, looking absolutely spent. She sits on the floor now, resting her head against Yunho's knee. "Fuck."

As they leave, Heechul stomps down the hallway and yells at them to move /faster/, rushing into the room looking absolutely furious.

"Who did this?" He says as he sits on the floor with Changmin, trying to rub feeling back into Yunho's arms.

"Manager."

"That fucking--," Heechul catches a glimspe of the photos on the floor and curses again. "Of course. Of course. Anyone else and they'll cover but you two, they have to beat the shit out of."

"He fucking said one word and Yunho just… you don't just use that against someone," Changmin stutters, trying to put a sentence together. "You don't remind someone of that kind of thing when you basically set it up and encouraged it."

Heechul very nearly loses it before focusing again on Yunho, who's stopped shaking as much.

"Yunho," he says gently, "do you want to go take a smoke? Let's go on the roof like before and smoke our brains out."

Changmin turns to him before he tries to pick Yunho up, yanking on his pantleg. "There was a camera on us the whole time. Can you get the footage?"

Heechul looks up to confirm, scoffing when he realizes what Changmin's planning.

"I'll go after I take care of Yunho. Hyuk is around the practice rooms I think, you should get Junsu's number. Clean up your face first, you look like a monster and I'm pretty sure the kids are all talking about it already."

Yunho stands, her face a blank slate as if she's on the verge of knocking out during a photoshoot. Heechul puts his arm around her waist, trying to wake her up a bit by rubbing her side. He turns his gaze back down to Changmin, face torn in pity.

"You've been made an example of, you know that right?" His foot shuffles some of the pictures, smearing blood across the floor in notable streaks. "Take the pictures but leave the blood. Use this to your advantage. This is going to spread to everyone and I know if it goes to court most of SuJu will file too. A lot of the kids would be scared, but that makes the whole thing worse. We have way too much on them."

Changmin nods, acknowledging the advice. She squeezes her knees, trying to stable herself as calm spreads through her body. Heechul leaves with Yunho in tow and all she can do is watch as they walk down the hallway.

"That was weird," she says to herself, laying down completely on the floor.

\---

"That was weird," Yunho pants.

Changmin lays on her chest, listening to her rapid heart beat. The flush on Yunho's cheeks is incredibly cute and she can't stop staring from her vantage point. "It was a break. I thought it was fun."

"Fun but weird. Things are weird lately, aren't they?" Yunho says. She hasn't been able to shake the feeling that she's been in a dream since leaving the company and that she's watching a story unfold out in front of her instead of living it.

There's a hush and Yunho combs through Changmin's hair, staring at the ceiling. They came back to Changmin's apartmently quietly after finishing business at the company, packing up their music while looking for differences in the studio to see if anything has changed or been moved. There wasn't much to think about, or anything to say, because Changmin still can't believe it happened.

"What are we going to do?" Yunho says quietly.

"I got Junsu's number from Hyukjae. We can get his lawyer's info since he's basically a pro in fucking over S.M. at this point."

Yunho frowns but looks down at Changmin, seeing anger written all over her face. Changmin rolls over and grabs her phone, pulling up the number.

"Call him," she says sternly.

"Wh- why me? And why Junsu?"

"He'll think I'm just doing it to taunt him. And if we call Yoochun he'll cry for multiple reasons, one of them being that we're only asking for business purposes. We don't have a lot of time to be comforting him."

Yunho puffs out her cheeks but gives up, snatching the phone away from Changmin. She presses call and puts it on speaker, nervously tapping her fingers on Changmin's head as the phone rings.

On the fifth ring, Junsu picks up.

"…Jaejoong hyung?"

"Junsu," Yunho says, nerves on fire.

"Yunho hyung?" Junsu says, shock obvious in his voice.

"Noona, actually." Changmin goes to hit her but stops when Junsu laughs over the phone.

"Ah, Jaejoong owes me money. What's going on? This is sudden." Junsu's tone turns jovial, as if they met up just yesterday and not six years ago.

"Our manager beat us and Changmin wants to sue." Yunho twists Changmin's hair around her fingers and she bats her hand away, angry that she can't focus on the conversation with Yunho trying to forcibly curl her hair. "Dispatch has weeks worth of dirt on us and management is getting violent because we're still the breadwinners."

"Yoochun owes me money." Junsu moves the phone away but he's yelling loud enough that they can hear him scream, "YOOCHUNNIE, WHERE'S THAT MILLION?"

Junsu gets back to the phone, laughing at Yoochun yelling in the background.

"I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Changmin's going to therapy again," Yunho says, immediately wondering why she volunteered that information to Junsu, who doesn't really need to know.

"I could have told you that but we're really no better off so I understand. Jaejoong forged so many documents just to get into active," Junsu says. They can hear a cat purring over the phone and Changmin gives the phone her biggest 'what the fuck' look. "So is Changmin my little sister now too?"

"Not yours," Changmin grunts.

"I knew you were there. Gross. Anyway, I'll text you the information only if she calls me oppa," Junsu chirps.

Changmin screams various colorful expletives into the phone.

"Changminnie, don't play around. This is serious," Yunho says. Changmin slams her head down onto her chest, praying to Yunho's breasts for guidance.

"Junsu is the one playing here!"

"Just say it," Yunho whines, pushing Changmin's shoulder. Changmin grimaces, looking on the edge of heaving when she faces the phone, eyebrows knitted in disgust.

"Fine… Junsu oppa, please, your lawyer's information…" After saying it, she gets up silently to go brush her teeth, on the verge of tears.

"Oh my God, she even begged. This might be the best day of my life," Junsu laughs, speaker crackling from the volume. "I'll text you the info. One of these days I'll buy you two dinner so keep in touch, okay?"

"Oh, um, thank you?"

"And one more thing!" Junsu screams. "Noona, have you read any Judith Butler?"

Yunho quirks her head, confused by the sudden question. "I've read papers with translated excerpts but haven't found any of her full works in Korean."

"I'll text you links to some PDFs. It's really dense but you're smart, right? I'll talk to you later though, Yoochun told me he's going to buy me pigs feet."

Junsu hangs up first and Yunho feels winded from the conversation. Changmin comes back in, wearing underwear and holding out another pair for Yunho to put on.

"I want a drink," Yunho says, placing Changmin's phone on her chest and folding her hands across her stomach. Changmin crosses her arms as she gives her a once over, not looking impressed.

"If you're going to drink you're going to eat."

"Pigs feet? I'll treat you."

"Why aren't we there already?" Changmin says, turning around to leave.

Yunho throws the underwear at her as she laughs and laughs and laughs.

\---

They're in a lowkey restaurant away from bright lights or noisy stores. Even though the servings feed several people, Changmin's already halfway through a second plate.

They've gone through a couple of bottles of soju too but Yunho doesn't really want to count because it's doing well to numb the pain in her mouth.

Through a bite, Yunho casually says, "I talked to my dad last night."

Changmin looks from from her wrap. "How did that go?"

"I told him about being bipolar and needing to be medicated in order to not think about killing myself every other day. He disowned me."

Changmin gasps, letting the wrap fall to the table.

"Are you _okay_?"

"It's cool. He already abandoned me the last time I had a big dream, and now that my new dream is to be stable, he abandoned me again. I'm used to it," Yunho says as if she's talking about something menial like dialing a wrong number or forgetting an umbrella in the rain. She preps another wrap and shoves it into Changmin's mouth with force. Changmin chews slowly, face contorted in confusion and shock. "At least this time I won't be homeless, although I guess I'll be out of a job soon. When Jihye calls I'm just gonna tell her I'm a trans lesbian and just get it all done with. It'll wrap all this bullshit up and I can get on with my life."

Changmin pours her a shot and then pours herself a shot. They drink solemnly and Yunho asks the ahjumma for another bottle. She brings it over immediately, extremely pleasant to the living legends in her quaint restaurant.

"I'm in a mood," Yunho laughs, dancing in her seat while prepping another wrap for Changmin. She looks past Changmin's head out the window, and then bows her head, laughing again. "There's a camera outside. In a bush across the street. They've probably bugged this restaurant. Should I wave?"

"Don't wave at them. They'll fucking release everything at 8 a.m. sharp. Do you even have a plan?"

"Oh, I thought of it while walking around the company like a zombie with Heechul. We should contact them and give them a tell all about my precarious mental state. I've been writing a story and we could sell it to the company and adapt it for a drama and since it's about mental health, it'll raise at least a bit of sympathy. I go to the army, you get the lead role because it's the 'brotherly' thing to do. After I finish service I'll get in a 'scandal'," Yunho uses air quotes here, "with Boa, who is totally down. Heechul raises a fuss on the internet, if he isn't already, you finish your service, and depending on whether or not Dispatch sat on the evidence or how wild the blind items get, we either continue the puppet show or just leave."

"That's… detailed," Changmin says as she downs another shot and a wrap directly after. "And what if Dispatch doesn't approve or the company throws the story in your face?"

When Changmin mentions face all Yunho can do is look at the pieces of cotton that Changmin has in her nose. She touches her cheek unconciously, realizing that while it hurts a little less than before she started drinking but the cheek itself was still swollen. Licking her lips, she focuses back on Changmin's question.

"We sue for contract nullification and the rights to TVXQ and sit on it for the extent of our service to do something afterwards, that school I was thinking of, or we do our service and fly to Spain. I've been looking at properties," Yunho says in one breath, not even winded by it. "Fuck, I really want to wave."

"Don't fucking wave," Changmin grits. After the anger passes, she sighs. "You really are in a mood."

"Calling it 'a mood' is both vague and accurate so I'm glad you understand. I've been obsessively thinking about all of this since I stopped dissociating earlier today. In fact I can't stop thinking about anything that comes to mind. I can't believe he hit you." Suddenly, she slams her hands on the table, face contorted in rage at the memory. A passing thought tells her to flip the table, but Changmin picks up on it and grabs one of her wrists, stopping her shaking hands.

"Don't." Changmin takes a turn to stuff her face with a wrap. Yunho chews angrily, her puffed out cheeks looking more like a chipmunk than anything remotely threatening. There's a bit of sauce on the corner of her lip and Changmin reaches over to wipe it off with her thumb, slowly, caught in the moment.

"The cameras, Yunho," Yunho mocks as she tilts her head down. She takes a shot, hissing at the burn and slamming the glass onto the table. Opening one of her eyes, she subtlety glances out the window.

The camera thinks they're slick. There's a bush across the street but it's directly under a streetlamp and their shadow is fairly noticeable against the bush's. They've been crouched for long and at this point they're probably waiting for the two of them to leave. The voyeurs probably want a shot of them kissing in Changmin's car, just for extra fun.

Yunho waves enthusiastically.

Changmin slaps her arm and she puts it down in mock hurt, sticking her lip out at Changmin. Changmin's not laughing though so the childish part of her gets mad but then the full weight of what's happening hits. Her eyes water and she leans back onto the wall behind her.

"The camera ran away," she says quietly, slurring her words as she loses the energy to be intelligible.

"Of course it did," Changmin bites. "When's your next appointment?"

"Tomorrow. At 3? I think, because the psych is definitely at 4 and she said she'll come with me because I don't know shit about medications."

Changmin hums in acknowledgement, thinking around another bite of pigs feet as she rests her head on her hand. There's a heat to the stare that's in no particular direction.

"I know she's still going to questioning you on your history considering how," Changmin pauses, " _special_ you are, but I really think you should talk about your family."

"I don't want to go. I think I'm fine for now and we have other more important stuff to focus on anyway," Yunho says, flipping moods once again.

Changmin stares at her in the way she usually does when she smells bullshit.

"You're dad _disowned_  you, you're about to be _outed_ , just today you've told me you've been recently contemplating _suicide_ , like not even 20 minutes ago, and you don't think that's pressing?" Changmin whispers, but the tone of her voice cuts deep, anger growing the more she talks. Yunho flinches in shock. "How much longer are you going to treat yourself badly? Isn't that another form of self injury? You're in a great mood now, I bet. You have alcohol in you and you've probably cycled into a manic state for all we know, so I guess it's fine? Risky behavior is fine because you're feeling good and who cares about tomorrow, you already thought it all through and you're gonna bare your throat, right? It might be hard to hear, but nothing is okay right now and it hurts to see you unconsciously dig yourself into a deeper hole."

Changmin takes a few breaths, looking frazzled and on edge, fear evident in her eyes. She pulls herself together enough, for Yunho's sake.

"I'm going to go pay the bill and you're going to go to the bathroom to wash your face. You're going to meet me in the car and we are going to drive back to my apartment because you are really in an unsafe situation right now, and truthfully, if you don't like going to the therapist, you're going to _hate_  being institutionalized for trying to hurt yourself. Come on, get up now."

Yunho gets up, bracing herself upon the wall and all Changmin does is stare at her in disappointment and Yunho throws her wallet, hitting Changmin in the chest. She catches it before it falls, staring at Yunho in consternation.

"I said I was treating," is all Yunho says, straightening up and leaving to the bathroom, unbalanced from the alcohol.

Changmin lets out a laugh, gargled through a latent sob she's been holding in her throat.

\---

The silent treatment doesn't last for long because Yunho has long learned how to make up to Changmin.

She follows her around the house like a kicked dog for an hour while Changmin cleans out of frustration, hiding behind walls that lead into rooms so she isn't directly in Changmin's view. She knows Changmin wants to keep an eye on her and still have her space so it's a game of how much to give. The whole game is enough to make her feel miserable with guilt because she could practically see the anger rising out of Changmin's head. She's not even cleaning correctly because she's still a bit drunk and Yunho wants to whine about it but she might still be mad.

Eventually Changmin tires herself out, body heavy, and calls Yunho over with a flick of her wrist, enveloping her in a hug when she comes on command.

"Are you tired of me yet?"

"No, I have a separate energy cannister dedicated to you. I'm just worried," Changmin says, kissing Yunho on the forehead as she walks backwards towards her room. "If all of this is rotting me from the inside, I have no idea what it's doing to you. In the past two days so much heinous shit has happened to you and you're internalizing it and I just… Why are you the only person you're mean to?"

Grabbing Changmin by the hands, she swings her around as if dancing. She tries to make Changmin go under her arm smoothly but Changmin has to duck, which makes them both laugh at how awkward it is. Yunho traps Changmin against the wall next to Changmin's bedroom door, lips a hair away from Changmin's. Their hands are down at their sides, still folded against each other and Yunho gives her a small peck on the lips. She looks away as she leans into Changmin, bumping their heads not so gracefully.

"Eh. I'm nice but I feel like I take a lot from the people around me. Reciprocity. Anyway, you're like an anxious apocalypse maiden hellbent on the destruction of my bad habits and maybe you should… take a vacation from your destined title? You're always there to slap me to wake me up, but at some point that hand's going to start stinging."

Changmin pats her cheek in admonishment as she escapes and walks into her room. "Both of those we're really terrible and convoluted, scrap the first and rework the second. Although I do like the sound of anxious apocalypse maiden."

"It's you. Nagging me because I'm a goddamn disaster while having endless patience that I cannot even fathom. You're entirely too powerful," Yunho says, smiling as she strips her clothes and throws them all onto Changmin's desk chair. She walks around the room naked with her hands behind her head, wandering into the closet to find a towel. She shouts from there, absolutely oblivious to her volume. "Like this morning you walked me through pancakes which is generally one of the easiest things possible. You could have easily just told me to suffer through it and yet you even told me to add vanilla 'cause I liked it. And you facetimed me. If I was in your position I would have given up on me in 2010. Probably sooner. I think all this bullshit lately is the cosmic balance to how lucky I am to have you as my life partner."

Changmin collects the clothes Yunho threw aside to put them in her hamper, quiet as she processes Yunho's words. She removes her own clothing and pads into the bathroom, turning the shower on as Yunho responds to a text from Heechul and joins her.

Yunho is happy to lather up Changmin's back and front, taking care to lift up her arms to maybe cop a feel on her muscles, making sure she gets every spot. Too busy brooding, Changmin lets her do what she wants, even crouching down to get a nice view of her ass while scrubbing her legs.

The lack of reaction pisses Yunho off and she gets up to rub shampoo into her hair roughly.

"What are you thinking about?" Yunho says, massaging it into her scalp. She's hyperaware of her words after the event at the restaurant and can't help but feel paranoid that Changmin's still angry.

"You. I'm trying to parse through years of your behavior and things I've seen to try to understand."

"Oh honey, you've got a big storm coming," Yunho jokes, moving Changmin directly under the showerhead to rinse.

"Yunho," Changmin starts, choked up, "your whole plan involves throwing yourself under the bus for me. We're partners okay? In more ways than one. If you're going to do that, at least let me lay on top of you while the bus crushes our spines."

"That's a good one," Yunho says quietly, making sure she's rinsing it all out completely.

Changmin starts shaking and balances herself by placing a hand on the wall, her other hand to her mouth to stop sobs. Yunho grabs her by the waist and spins her around, looking her directly in the eye. She looks 16 and terrified. She looks 22 and in pain.

"Why are you such a glutton for punishment, huh? Who told you you had to take everything into your own hands? I just want to know why you're still like this when I'm perfectly capable of handling things right along with you. This is not even just about work. The little things you let me take care of but you're off making huge plans that affect our future and you don't even consider how I'd feel about them."

Yunho opens her mouth to say something but comes up short.

"You've given everything for this stupid band. You've sold your soul and been abused for it. Why? Why? I'm right here."

"I did it for everyone. So you all wouldn't have to do it. Me and Jaejoong--"

"I  _know_  you and Jaejoong. Look how you both turned out though. Are we going to revert back to the time where you thought by not telling me things you were protecting me? You remember the Dolce & Gabbana event. I told the bald one to fuck off because he was getting handsy and did we land that sponsorship?" Changmin grits her teeth as she angrily pumps out shampoo, rubbing it through Yunho's hair. Her eyes are already red from crying and she's roughly scrubbing before Yunho grabs her hands as she nearly yanks the hair off her head. She breaks down and leans her head on Yunho's. "You don't have to do this alone anymore. I'm right here."

Yunho tries to wipe her tears from her cheeks but Changmin bats her hands away.

"I'm not crying, we're in a fucking shower." She rinses Yunho's hair gently while hiccuping and Yunho closes her eyes while thinking on Changmin's words. "The things you've that have happened to you are not your fault. I told you, this whole thing is fucked up. You're too good of a person for any of this. You haven't been treated the way you should've been treated."

She turns Yunho around because she knows she's vulnerable and starts scrubbing at her back, working in a massage at Yunho's pressure points and mentally noting to buy more painkillers as she flinches.

"I love you too much to see you get hurt," Yunho says, looking over her shoulder. She wiggles her fingers in hopes that Changmin would hold her hand and smiles to herself when Changmin stops to grab it and pulling her back into a hug. "But I should probably start working on self preservation skills so I can stick around longer to make you laugh."

Changmin purses her mouth and scrunches her eyes to not let out a sob but a hiccup gives her away.

"I would hit you for being an idiot but you'd probably like that too," Changmin says, wiping away tears and water from her eyes.

"Yes. Yes I would."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: major jaejoong tw, discussion of mental illness, mentions of casting couch/sexual abuse, discussion of drug addiction, alcohol, jaejoong again

Yunho feels bad.

She pretended to fall asleep so Changmin would finally go to bed after keeping an eye out for her. Now she lies awake, running her fingers through Changmin's damp hair. There's an ache in her to get up and do something, along with the ache for a cigarette but the guilt of leaving Changmin weighs on her.

At 3 a.m. it gets to be too much and she slips out of bed quietly. At first she wanders around Changmin's room, looking for things that could be rearranged but the guilt of moving her stuff stops her from doing so. Instead she just paces, wandering into the closet to touch every one of Changmin's shirts and sweater to feel the fabric, her senses on fire.

Then Changmin's phone starts vibrating.

She goes to check and it's some number she doesn't recognize so she leaves it to ring and eventually stop. Directly afterwards, it starts vibrating again, the same number. Her fingers itch to pick it up but she stops herself, making herself go into the bathroom to look at Changmin's array of beauty products.

The phone rings again, but this time it vibrates so much it falls to the floor and Yunho can't take it anymore.

"Hello?" She whispers, annoyed.

"Changminnie? Changminnie, is that you?" The caller's voice crackles but the tone of their voice is unmistakeable and Yunho can't help but feel anxious. She shushes the caller, grabbing her jeans and one of Changmin's larger shirts before running out of the room.

"Jaejoong?" She slips on the shirt and tries to hop into her jeans at the same time. She curses because there's no more cigarettes in the pack she has and Jaejoong's laugh rings clear over the phone.

" _Yunho?_ "

"It's me," Yunho says, laughing awkwardly. "How do you, how did you? It's 3 a.m."

"And you sound perfectly wide awake so who cares. I have phone privileges," Jaejoong says proudly.

"At 3 a.m.?" Yunho walks out of the apartment silently, using the stairs instead of the elevators to use up some of the excess energy that makes her blood boil.

"I don't sleep and everyone knows this so they just let me use the rec room as long as I clean it."

Outside of the building, Yunho wonders which way to go. One convenience store is closer but it's a lot more active. Thinking it over, she just goes to the one that's a little ways off.

"Don't you get questioned for not sleeping? You're a suspicious enough person as it is, never sleeping is even more bizarre."

"I think everyone's afraid of me, which makes me feel bad, but I get to talk to Yoochunnie and Junsu and now you! Why did you pick up Changmin's phone though?"

"She's asleep, and you just kept calling." The night is brisk and there's no cars out but Yunho still feels paranoid about cameras in hidden places. She knows the fear that comes is unwarranted because Changmin's not here but the prickle of eyes watching her still runs down her back. "Did you need anything in particular?"

"Junsu told me about what's going on so I thought I should call. Also Junsu hung up on me because he was tired and Yoochun has to sleep nowadays for his drama, so I just thought, hey maybe let me call Changmin and talk to her and Yunho. Not because I don't have any other friends or anything. You assholes made me lose my bet by the way," Jaejoong says, trying to sound petulant through the absolute glee in their voice.

"I was wondering about that," Yunho says. She sees the convenience store in the distance and walks a little faster. "What was the bet? There were multiple apparently and I've been thinking about it since we called Junsu."

"Junsu said that you'd realize you were trans before service and I was like no, I know Yunho and she would definitely have a crisis _after_  the army. I underestimated you. I apologize, but you should still apologize to me because I bet a lot of money on that."

"I'm sorry?" The streets empty but the walk sign hasn't turned on and the nerves of the cameras still burn. She's already been caught being gay, she doesn't want to be a _criminal_  too. "I just don't understand how you knew I'd be trans. Was I that obvious? Do you think other people will know?"

"Me and Junsu have a sixth sense completely dedicated to pointing out people who struggle with gender. Ever since I've known you you've had tiny meltdowns over getting caught not living up to some weird ass standards for yourself. You're a private person but I know these things. We fought a bit on Changmin but neither of us wanted to bet on her because she's a wild card."

The walk sign turns on and Yunho cruises her way into the store, saying hello to the clerk. She tells Jaejoong to shut up as she looks for her brand and politely asks for a couple of packs. Patting her pockets, she realizes she doesn't have her lighter either and she picks one out from the rack without looking, pleased when it's a cute floral design.

"Get Changmin a snack," Jaejoong says, bored from not being able to talk.

Yunho asks the cashier to wait as she runs to get a bag of Changmin's favorite chips and a can of coffee for herself. The cashier rings her up and tells her to have a nice night. Yunho opens up the cigarettes and puts one in her mouth before saying thank you to the cashier and leaving.

Once outside she lights it and drags, sighing on the exhale.

"You're still smoking?"

"You won't believe the month I've had," is all Yunho says as she starts the walk back.

It's a bit scary how easy she falls into conversation with Jaejoong, but talking with Jaejoong was always easy and she won't lie to herself and say she didn't miss it. It takes her the whole trip back to explain what happened at the company that day, and she's back at the apartment when she starts detailing the things Changmin told her in the shower.

"She's… she's got a point. Like she's completely right, you know?" Jaejoong says quietly, as she closes the front door and kicks off her shoes.

"I know. It's just. Do you ever feel like you're stuck? No matter what you do you can't move past anything and anything that reminds you of that time just cements it all."

Jaejoong laughs. It sounds hollow and all sorts of wrong. "Is it like, you relive every bad thing that's happened to you every day and even though life moves on, and new things happen, you don't feel like you go with it?"

"Yes, exactly."

When Yunho moves deeper into the apartment, she finds the kitchen light on. Walking into the kitchen, she finds Changmin against the counter downing a glass of water, looking highly disgruntled.

"Where were you? Who's on the phone?"

"I got cigarettes. It's Jaejoong," she says as if it's normal to just be talking to Jaejoong, putting the bag on the counter and rummaging through it. She throws the other pack of cigarettes into the bowl Changmin uses for keys, wallets, and other essential things and takes out Changmin's chips, handing them over with a cute pose so she could at least get a smile out of her. "And I got you chips."

"I see that. Are you going to be smoking outside?"

"YES," Jaejoong crackles over the phone, not wanting to be forgotten. Yunho shrugs in Changmin's direction as she sighs, already heading to her balcony. Yunho follows, removing her jeans and throwing them on the couch.

Once outside, she places Changmin's phone on the balcony edge on speaker next to the pack of her cigarettes, while cracking open her coffee. Changmin leans backwards on the balcony, already eating her chips.

"Hi Jaejoong," she says blandly.

"Changminnie, long time no speak."

"Thank God."

"Yah," Jaejoong shrieks.

Yunho puts a cigarette between her fingers but doesn't light it. She leans on her elbows, sticking her hips out behind her and looks out at the city, feeling wistful.

"Ah, now that Changmin's here, let me say that if you are going to take it to court that I have obsessively kept years of shit with me and the lawyers have it too. We didn't bring it up when we filed because the both of you stayed and it would have looked bad. I know Yunho's split on the whole thing but I just thought I'd let you know, Changmin."

"Wow, Jaejoong. You almost sound responsible."

"I haven't drank in weeks, I'm halfway to coherent," Jaejoong says. "What were we talking about before?"

"Being stuck," Yunho supplies.

"That's it. Anyway, I've talked to Yoochun about it a lot and we think it's a trauma thing. Do you still get those nightmares?"

Yunho laughs, bitter. "Which ones."

"Yikes. I do too. I always wake up feeling dirty like it just happened yesterday, which is why I just don't sleep unless Yoochun is here with me, which he isn't, which sucks. There's always a piece of me just reliving it over and over again, all those instances, every single fucked up thing. Talking about it helped me out a little but Yoochun's the only one who knows so when I meet up with other people and they shake my hand or have a drink with me I'm like, do you know what I've done? Do you know all the fucked up shit that's happened to me? It never ends. I don't think it will."

Yunho lights the cigarette finally, taking a sip of her coffee after the first drag. Changmin holds out her chips but she passes.  
  
"Bipolar doesn't go away. I think that's the scariest part for me. None of these things are going to go away, are they?"

"Nope. They won't. I think when I get out of prison I'll go back to therapy and tell Yoochun to force me to go but sometimes I just get so mad, I feel so hopeless. I was prescribed some things but they fucked with me all over, I don't know. It wasn't even like getting high, it was just not existing. If I did remember things, it'd just be me staring at a wall or looking at the keyboard like it's something I don't know."

"Don't say that," Changmin says. "Yunho has her first psychiatrist appointment today and you're going to scare her."

"I don't have bipolar disorder. At least I don't think I do. Anyway, Yunho, I'm curious. How did you two, you know, do the thing," Jaejoong says, clicking their tongue to punctuate the sentence.

"What thing," Changmin says.

"The together thing."

"Oh, well. I was having an episode in Japan after a bunch of really bad nightmares and Changmin puked feelings all over me and you know how when someone else pukes you just get sick too? I puked back and then we got together and now when we see each other naked we don't try to politely avert our gaze while trying to sneak peeks."

"I understand where you were going with that one but the execution was off," Changmin says at Yunho. "Yunho actually puked that night and was super needy."

"That's disgusting," Jaejoong says. "Like the kind of disgusting when you see a drama and the two main characters kiss for the first time and you're just like, embarrassed and filled with butterflies at the same time."

"Did you three bet on us getting together too?" Yunho asks.

"No, that was a given," Jaejoong says suddenly serious. "It was bound to happen, although I didn't think it'd happen this late. No one else knows what you've two experienced and there would have always been that disconnect if someone else came along."

They all go quiet and Yunho taps out ashes over the balcony. There's a feeling that they've already known this but having someone else say it makes it real. While glad they have each other, they can't stop the pity that arises out of the truth.

"We all had that, you know? We only had each other and while we had friends on the side no one really _understands_  what happened. It's how I can sit here and talk to you both after years of no contact. The way we split was really up to our personalities and I don't think people were surprised about how it happened. I mean it's sad but different people react to circumstances the way they're going to. That doesn't excuse the hurt but it also doesn't change that five radically different people have experienced truly traumatic shit that somehow brought them together in a way no one else outside of those five will understand. Now it's even more divided between two and three."

Yunho puts the butt out and lights another cigarette immediately afterwards. Changmin folds her empty chip bag over and over again, feeling awkward faced with Jaejoong actually saying things that matter. She pulls one of the chairs on her balcony and sits down, feeling extremely heavy.

"Jaejoong," Yunho says, chin resting in the same hand that she holds her cigarette in, "what do you think we should do?"

"If it were me or…"

"In general."

"Okay. The Junsu answer is to sue. I'm pretty sure after what you told me happened today you'd win hands down. That's a very easy and efficient solution but you people actually have human emotions so I don't know how that would sit with you. The Yoochun answer is to let it all happen and ride out on a yacht into the sunset because you're tired of all this shit. This is a very good option but we are all not Yoochun and can tolerate more than a couple of days on a boat."

Changmin laughs, imagining it all. Yunho looks at her and sees her fond expression and takes a drag with a small smile.

"My answer is… to go straight to Dispatch with the evidence you can use in the trial and have a personal conversation with whoever is in charge. Is this a manipulative and underhanded way of dealing with S.M.? Maybe. Probably. If it were me, definitely."

"This is giving me another idea but continue, I'll say it afterwards," Yunho says. She takes a large sip of her coffee and continues turning the thought over in her head into something more refined.

"Changmin's answer is a public execution. Obviously. You don't touch Yunho and get away with it and honestly I support it. The thing I have an issue with Changmin's answer is that it's really messy compared to Junsu's answer. I know we are really emotional people but the second you charge forward with your own emotions instead of twisting everyone else's against themselves, you open yourself up to trouble. I'm sure there's a way to fuck over S.M. from the inside but Changmin needs to calm down first."

Grimacing, Changmin's leg starts bouncing, anxiety hitting at the realization that Jaejoong found a flaw in her plan. Yunho walks over to ruffle her hair and kiss her head, letting her know the effort was wholly appreciated.

Jaejoong sighs. "Yunho… Your plan is cute and totally you but it's a quick fix solution that you're used to making because your daily decisions are short sighted. It's also self flagellating and will definitely come back to bite you in the ass quick. And Changmin is completely right. I know it's hard to even think of putting her in the line of fire but that's not your decision when she's been standing next to you this whole time and completely invalidates her feel--"

"I just want to butt in and say that I absolutely hate that you're making sense and being a voice of reason but I do appreciate your input," Changmin says, attempting not to pick the skin around her nails. She gets up from her chair and stretches. "I'm going inside for water, do you want some?"

"No thanks."

Changmin walks inside looking put out and even more disgruntled than when Yunho walked in.

"She gone?"

"Yeah," Yunho says, putting out another cigarette. She wants another but restrains herself, knowing that she's had way too many today.

"I kind of feel bad. I did some fucked up shit to her because I was insecure as fuck and I know it doesn't make up for it but it still happened. Don't further do that by disregarding how she feels, which is a lot, just 'cause she doesn't show it openly. I'm on the phone and haven't talked to her in years but it's really obvious that she's in a really bad place right now, beyond all the shit that's happening, and feels helpless. That's literally the worst place for her because she's used to just doing what she needs to do and you're making it that much harder by being a pain in the ass."

"Now _I_  hate that you're being the voice of reason."

Jaejoong laughs from their gut, feeling vindicated.

"I've done some growing up, unfortunately. I've also tapped into my latent empath abilities and am now unstoppable. Also I'm sober. Have I mentioned that already?"

They sit in silence for a while, Yunho tapping her can of coffee against the balcony and listening to how the sound changes as she drinks more. Changmin's back in a couple of minutes with two cups of water and places one by Yunho silently, going back to sitting on her chair. She closes her eyes and sinks in on herself.

"Oh, Yunho, what was your new plan?"

"I'm going to… tell S.M. the bullshit plan I had. I might still leave the script for Changmin to do just because right after that meeting I'm going to try to get in with Dispatch and try to trade my mental health for the cute pictures of me and Changmin on a date that will ruin our career. Changmin can also talk about hers, if she wants." She looks back at Changmin who still has her eyes closed, hands folded across her stomach. "I'm sure I can probably charm a deal if I throw in how many idols want to secretly destroy S.M. from the inside. Then S.M. will try to push the bullshit plan to Dispatch and get told that it's already been worked out. When they try to contact us, I'll tell them what we have on them to be released at any time and either they willingly give us TVXQ and our works along with implementing fucking standards for treatment of their artists or we bring them down. I'll also add in that I am literally crazy and would do it. It would destroy the economy and they'll never be able to recoup."

Neither Jaejoong or Changmin say anything for a bit. Yunho starts sweating, feeling unsure of how good her plan is. She looks back at Changmin who has her eyes open now, although glazed over and still stonefaced while chewing on her nails. The phone crackles again and Jaejoong lets out a shaky breath.

"Yunho… That's so nefarious. I'm honestly a little turned on right now."

"Hang up and throw my phone into boiling water to disinfect it. It's tainted. Just throw it off the fucking balcony. I don't want to bring evil into my house," Changmin says, sounding wrecked.

Jaejoong laughs again, this time emotion coloring their voice.

"I really missed the both of you," they say. It slipped out of Jaejoong's mouth like a secret and it's tinged with sadness but Jaejoong doesn't have much time for sadness when they have bigger things to deal with. "It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm supposed to be in my bunk by now usually. I have to go make sure the kids are up and ready for school, so I'll call tomorrow night to see how it all went down?"

"Please don't."

"I'll give you my phone number, Jaejoong," Yunho says, laughing at Changmin's disgust.

They exchange numbers and Jaejoong says from deep in their heart that they appreciated the conversation but it tapers off after that because they're not sure what say. I miss you? I love you? Take care of yourselves? The familiarity comes to a halt because it's not the same anymore. They aren't going back to the same dorm and they won't joke about how much having schedules cuts into video game time or literally anything else.

Changmin makes the decision for them. "Thank you. Good bye."

She hangs up the phone and sways in place, looking hollow.

"I hate Jaejoong but I miss all of them. This is so confusing," she slurs. Humming, she walks inside, stumbling a bit.

Yunho sighs and grabs her cigarettes and lighter, bringing them inside with her. Changmin is leaning against a wall in a kitchen and it's only now that Yunho notices how out of it she is.

"How many did you take," she pries.

"One, but I also had one when you just up and left in the middle of the night."

Yunho sighs again, more of an exaggerated huff, and throws the stuff in her hands into the bowl to grab Changmin, picking her up bridal style. She wraps her arms around Yunho's neck, laughing.

"My big strong girlfriend," she coos, revelling in the treatment.

Yunho drops her on the bed and gets on the other side, staring at Changmin who's stretching out her legs and back. She turns her head, eyes low and lips slightly parted in a smile.

"What?"

"Are you going to be good for the meeting in a couple of hours? I need you," Yunho says. She's serious but at the same time can't help wanting to just keep Changmin in bed to herself, wanting to forget that any of this is happening. "I'm seriously on edge, all over the place and I need you."

"In two hours I'll be okay. I'm okay right now," Changmin says. Yunho runs her hand down Changmin's chest, her fingers playing lightly with the hair beneath her navel. When Changmin arches into it, abs tensing, she pushes her down again.

"Let me hold onto the pills."

Changmin pouts as if denied a treat but eventually her face relaxes, exhaling, defeated.

"Okay. That's a good idea. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Just looking out for your best interest." Yunho purses her lips to the side, thinking about what to say next. "Heard the withdrawal sucks. Well, saw it. Don't go there."

Changmin groans but Yunho moves to crawl over her, trapping her head between her arms and getting right in her face. She looks down, taking in the details. Her stubble has grown out again and she thinks of the previous morning, the sense of intimacy of seeing each other looking haggard but still revelling in seeing each other's face. There's dried blood caked outside of her nostrils and Yunho cleans it away meticulously with her thumb, careful not to pull too hard and agitate the injury.

"Hi," Changmin says.

"Hi," Yunho says.

Yunho kisses her slowly, sweetly. Changmin sighs into it, the sound shaky with emotion and Yunho crowds her face because she knows the pressure and touch makes her feel safe. She goes to deepen the kiss, desperate to let Changmin know how she feels. Like always, with all the muddled feelings and terrible execution Yunho comes with, Changmin understands, wrapping her arms around Yunho's back to bring her closer.

And maybe, for the first time in a while, their world ends at their skin, pressed so close that they forget whether the two of them are a speck in the grand scheme of things or the universe itself.

\---

On the way to the company, Yunho sees multiple dogs get run over and then disappear.

They sit in an empty parking garage for 15 minutes while Yunho closes her eyes and screams for the dogs to stop barking in her ears, scratching at them as if the sound was physical. Changmin tries to stay calm but it's difficult when Yunho is lashing out whenever she tries to get near her.

Eventually Yunho calms down enough so that Changmin can gently grasp her hands, trying to rub soothing circles into them to introduce other tactile stimulation and distract her. She's calmly talking to her, telling her what day it is, the time, where they were, where they were going, anything stable before asking for her specific needs. Yunho just says she needs her facemask and for Changmin to plug her phone into the aux cable.

When they get to the company, they're about 20 minutes late and Yunho is still wearing her mask and sunglasses as they walk through the building. Changmin lightly nudges her to take off the mask so the cameras can capture her face before she walks into the CEO's office.

She does so, hesitantly, and they both stare right into the camera before walking in, attemping to try to shed the nerves.

Changmin keeps her head high for the both of them because Yunho can't do much but stare at the floor, not completely there.

Kim Youngmin isn't very impressed.

"Hello Yunho. Your mouth's gotten bigger since the last time I saw you. That's weird," he says, rounding the desk, smile false and strained. Once he reaches Yunho, it turns into a scowl and he whacks her upside the head. "You're over 20 minutes late."

"There was an emergency," Changmin says, desperation lacing her voice, inserting herself between Yunho and Youngmin. She wants so bad to retaliate or show him how she really feels, but she needs to be the one to keep it together so she just settles for being a wall. "There was an emergency, don't hit Yunho. If you're going to hit anyone, hit me instead."

Yunho grabs at Changmin's shirt to drag her back to her right, keeping a hold on her shirt as she looks up at Youngmin.

"I'm sorry," she begins, voice blunted and devoid of emotion. "Let's do business."

"Okay," Youngmin says, going to lean against his desk. His body language is fed up, on the offense. "Here's what I think should happen. All your earnings this year and all the subsequent royalties for the next four will be given to us and we will use it to pay off Dispatch. That's it. I like that plan, I really love it actually, but let's hear yours."

"Yunho and I…" Changmin begins, uncertain. She looks over at Yunho, who's looking at her in a mix of fear and trust. The strike that was landed on her is already starting to swell and Changmin gapes for a moment, trying to remember how to put words together. "Yunho and I are severely mentally ill. We are willing to let Dispatch have an expose on that, we'll answer any questions regarding it. There's also a, a script. Yunho wrote something that… we'll sell to S.M. It's really good and it's about mental illness so in conjunction with our interview, it'll bring more sympathy than anything and since it can be adapted for Japanese audiences due to our popularity, there's more of an opportunity for a higher revenue. Yunho wants me to act as the main character."

Yunho removes her backpack and rummages through it as Changmin tries to control her breathing. She's sweating heavily and the world feels like it's closing in on her, the only thing else that she's feeling is terror. Sensing this, Yunho steps closer to her, their bodies fully touching from shoulder to calf as she pulls out the script. She holds it out, slightly bowing as she does so, and comes back to Changmin's side as soon as Youngmin takes it from her.

"You wrote a script?" He asks, voice thick with condescension.

"Yes," Yunho says, looking down again. "Please consider it."

Youngmin reads the cover, then does a cursory flip through the script. His face doesn't react but he's spending more time than necessary than if he'd already made a snap judgment. Behind Changmin's back, she feels Yunho's fingers touch hers, light and seeking. She squeezes Yunho's fingers in return, a small "I'm here" in the midst of the brevity of the situation.

He looks up at Yunho again. "You wrote this?"

"Yes," Yunho confirms, voice still flat.

"Is that all then?"

Changmin's stomach flips, feeling queasy at how much he demands from them.

"A comeback," Yunho says. "We arranged, wrote, and composed six songs, spring love songs. All we need to do is record them and make the jacket."

"Since it's our last comeback before the army and the content is public friendly, there's a huge chance of success," Changmin adds, twitching, trying to find something on her body that spins or lets her fingers play with.

Youngmin closes the script, hitting his other hand with it in thought. The two stand before him with their heads pointed down, anxiety flickering around them like sparks.

"Okay."

Changmin lifts her head up first, Yunho slowly catching up, still in disbelief. "Okay?"

"Okay," Youngmin says again, throwing the script on his desk and walking behind it to pick up the phone. He writes something on a post it and puts it onto the top of the script. Not even sparing a glance, he continues talking. "I suggest breaking up or getting caught in someone's spoon again. One fixes everything but the other _covers_  everything. I also suggest not shoving your dicks down each other's throats so you can sing for your comeback. Get out."

They bow one last time and make a quick exit from the office before he changes his mind.

Once outside Yunho rubs the area where she was hit, and Changmin tilts her head to get a better look at it.

"What a fucking asshole," she says, putting her cold fingers to the swelling.

Once they get out of the view of the camera, Yunho puts her facemask and sunglasses back on, giving Changmin an inconspicuous fistbump.

\---

"Wow, who would have know the CEO of Dispatch was both gay and has a bipolar partner," Yunho says, lightly strumming at Changmin's guitar while laying on her bed, head hanging off of the edge. Her face is red from the blood rushing to her head and her hair spreads out like a fan when faced with gravity.

"I don't believe in luck, but I believe in you. Somehow that's the same thing and another way you continue to amaze me," Changmin says. She sits at her desk and stares at the list of people within the company and those who have left with evidence of abuse. She counts the list over and over again but the sick feeling in her gut from seeing the sheer amount of her coworkers on it doesn't go away with each review. Her phone vibrates, tearing her attention away from the list. "Junsu texted. He says he has a nail technician under a confidentiality agreement if you want to get your nails done one day."

"Why does he have them under a confidentiality agreement if he openly has his nails done all the time," Yunho says. She plays a chord, swinging her arm around in a circle for added effect.

"This is Junsu. Who knows what happens in that small brain of his," Changmin says.

Starting to play the basic chords to their title track, Yunho's phone goes off, blaring loudly and making Changmin jump partially out of her chair.

"It's the manager," Yunho says, laughing as she picks it up, putting it on speaker. "This is U-Know Yunho."

"Yunho, good news," he says out of breath, as if relief made him suddenly tired. "Dispatch deleted everything. They accepted the interview with you and Changmin and they'll spin it to paint you two as victims and survivors."

"Oh, whycome?" Yunho asks, smiling at Changmin wildly and mouthing "I am ready for this" at her. She crosses her legs, chin resting in her hand as she smiles fondly at what's to come, watching Yunho kick her legs up in the air in order to relieve some excitement.

"Oh, uh, I don't really know. I think the CEO is a fan of you two and didn't want to see any harm," the manager says, sounding puzzled.

"I know the reason why," Yunho begins, voice both cheery and pointed at the same time. "Because I called him earlier and told him the amount of evidence we personally have over the company for abuse, including dozens of others within the company and three very special people with an obsession in revenge. We don't even have to sue to watch it all fall down, they already have the names of everyone with grievances and photos of all the bruises, gashes, lack of sick days, broken bones, weakened immune systems, and the cherry on top, hospital bills that were taken from their paychecks. We also sent a bunch of paystubs that don't add up to what our contracts say they should. Oh, I nearly forgot the list of names in the industry that you've sold us to to get our names anywhere."

Yunho laughs, unhinged and from deep in her gut.

"They have a video of you beating us. They have a video of you beating my partner," Yunho says, voice slipping into not so thinly veiled rage, anger palpable over the phone. Changmin crosses her legs the other way and touches her nose, still feeling the pain. "They want to release it first. I said, hold on, let's be decent people about this. Are you ready to hear about what we want?"

"I--," their manager begins.

"Okay!" Yunho interrupts, voice sweet. She pauses, to build tension. And then she goes for the jugular. "We want TVXQ, all of it. If our names are even near something, me and Changminnie want it. All royalties, all productions, all images, every single song. My writing that I poured my soul into. We want it. But we are nice people so we'll stay under the label and give you 1% until we decide to leave. The thing is we will leave unless you've created completely transparent business practices, you treat the people who work for your paychecks like humans, you stop selling them like fucking meat to rich old men who turn cameras on. I'm still a bit conflicted on all of this though. I really just want to call back the CEO and tell him to release all of it. We got along very nicely and we even performed our comeback song for him! He liked it a lot. We're gonna send him a special signed copy and he invited us to dinner a week from now."

"You wouldn't," their manager breaths, short of breath again but for a completely different reason. "This is billions of dollars at risk you're talking about. This is turning everything on it's head. You wouldn't do this. The Yunho I know wouldn't do this."

"You don't know me," Yunho says, voice grave. An absolute. A void.

"You're fucking crazy," the manager says, voice shrill from terror. Changmin laughs loudly, just so he can hear how much she's enjoying all of this. She gets up and bounds to the bed, throwing the guitar off Yunho to pull her up, pressing lips onto her jaw, alternating between biting, sucking and breaking down into laughter against her throat.

"No sweetie, I'm Jung Yunho," she says and she hopes he can feel her absolutely blinding smile over the phone. "It's not even derogatory, I just am crazy. I'd destroy everything if it meant keeping Changminnie safe and happy. This all being said, I'm going to be late to therapy and I need to kiss my partner a lot to prepare myself. Bye bye, then."

They burst into laughter before she hangs up and Yunho throws her phone somewhere onto the mess of sheets. Changmin holds her face, tracing her thumbs along Yunho's cheekbones, slowing down on scars and tracing smile lines.

"I hate when Jaejoong is right. I am so inexplicably turned on right now."

"We're fucking crazy," Yunho says, as Changmin leans in to kiss her.

They fall off Changmin's bed and onto the floor, laughing the whole way down.

\---

Yunho sits at Changmin's kitchen table playing with the medicine she was prescribed.

She looks at the bottle placed correctly, then turns it on its head, hearing the pills fall to the bottom. She does it again a few seconds later, turning the pill bottle right side up.

Changmin finishes seating up the rice cooker as Yunho continues to flip her bottle and eventually she snaps, throwing an oven mitt at her.

"Please, please it's driving me mad," she says, as Yunho turns around in shock. She rights the pill bottle before fully turning around in the chair, resting her chin on the back of the seat.

"It's weird. I have to start taking them tonight."

"What are they?" Changmin goes to look in the fridge for something she forgot, pausing at the door because suddenly the sheer size of the fridge daunts her.

"Some antipsychotics. To sedate my overactive brain. I guess. I also got some sleeping pills but I don't want to be knocked out for 12 hours so maybe I'll take them on an off day or something. What do you think?" She turns her head to the side as Changmin finds what she was looking for, behind plenty of things she wasn't looking for.

"Maybe cut it in half? See where it takes you. They all look like horse pills, honestly, I wouldn't doubt they'd lay you out for half a day."

Both of them go quiet, retreating into their head space.

Yunho stares off into a corner of the kitchen, where the back wall meets the ceiling and thinks upon her therapy session and how it wasn't actually that bad considering she had felt worse earlier in the day anyway. The psychiatrist was… an experience, but that was all due in part to the clinical nature of the room that made her paranoid of being cut open and studied, like being in a hospital with faceless people looking over her. The feeling came from a weird place, and the psychiatrist was nice enough, but the thought of anyone outside herself and Changmin trying to have a closer look at her comes off as voyeuristic and exploitative, a breach and a defilement of her person. The paranoia was a reoccuring event in her life but the rawness of the past few days very much exacerbated it.

She looks back down to Changmin, who cooks with the usual pouty face she puts on when she's wrapped up inside her head. Yunho wants to say she knows what Changmin is thinking about, she'd love to be able to intuit her needs and the things that make her tick, but Yunho's never really been good at that. The surface is easy, Changmin is easy in motion, but they both have a penchant for getting deep in their thoughts, and like in all things emotional, Changmin does a better job at not bringing them to the surface.

If Yunho had to put it simply, she knows what the themes of Changmin's thoughts are, but that means nothing when Changmin is one of the most detail oriented person she knows. She's aware that there's the analytical side of her that keeps her safe from others, the side that dreams sweetly and yearns to breath, and the soft emotional core Yunho knows to be the most delicate and protected. Despite knowing this, all Yunho can do is look at her pout as she chops more vegetables, face not revealing anything that Yunho could go on.

The doorbell rings and Yunho reacts to the sudden noise by standing up, as if being called on.

Changmin looks over to Yunho, who's trying to pretend she wasn't scared by and doorbell, and goes back to her cooking, slightly smiling.

"Go answer it, I'm busy," she says, sliding all the vegetables from the cutting board into the pot she has on. She's back to pouting, this time looking a bit more conflicted.

Yunho opens the door to a very small old man holding a very large bouquet of flowers.

"This is the floor twelve apartment right," he asks, heaving as Yunho accepts the flowers, surprised by the weight of them and even more surprised by how the old man carried them here.

"Yes it is, sir. Do you need help going back down?" She notices that he's pounding his back and can't help but try to extend a hand.

"It's okay! That's the heaviest one in the load. I hope you enjoy them," the old man says, and Yunho bows to show gratitude which earns her a smile.

Closing the door, she walks back into the kitchen while inspecting the bouquet.

The first thing that draws in her eyes are the sunflowers, surrounded by daisies. The arrangement excudes warmth for this reason and Yunho can't help but smile as she makes a beeline for the large empty vase Changmin just keeps as decoration on the counter.

Around the sunflowers and daisies are a hodge podge of delicate but pretty flowers. Sweet peas, Queen Anne's lace, white heather, and forget-me-nots ornament the sides of the arrangement, at odds with the the powerful display of sunshine but pretty and protected by the larger flowers in a visually pleasing way.

She places the bouquet on the counter to try and manuever the vase towards the sink.

"Who sent you these flowers," Yunho asks, trying to fit the vase in the sink to fill it with water. She figures out that the fancy sink has a hose and puts the vase on the floor, filling it while nearly shaking in anticipation to put the flowers in. "They're super pretty. You think like Yoochun? He'd send flowers."

Changmin turns around, face grave as she holds a butcher knife in her hand, leaving the meat alone to confront Yunho.

"Did you… did you not read the card?" She stands with her mouth partially open, leaning back on the counter and grabbing it with her free hand for support.

"What card?"

"The one that was in the bouquet. Why wouldn't there be a card in the bouquet," Changmin says, nervous agitation rising in her voice as Yunho overfills the vase by not paying attention to it but rather Changmin.

She haphazardly hangs the hose back up and goes to pry through the flowers. Noticing a card stuck between all the sunflowers, she pulls it out, opening it without pause.

_Since half of your wardrobe is somehow under my bed, just move in already. Paying that kind of rent to sleep in my bed every other night and asking me to fix your router over the phone when you just come over and use my wifi anyway. Ridiculous. I [CENSORED] love you. -Changmin_

"Oh my God," Yunho says, turning to pick up the bouquet again, still looking at the card. "You set me up."

Changmin puts the knife back on the counter and turns the heat down on the stove, pinching the bridge of her nose in spite of the hurt out of habit as she turns red. There's another card that details what the flowers mean and Yunho hides her head behind the bouquet as she gets teary.

"You… I can't believe you," Yunho says, still hiding behind the bouquet. Changmin makes her way across the kitchen to stand infront of Yunho, pushing the bouquet aside to see Yunho's face scrunched up, trying not to cry by squeezing her eyes as tight as possible. "Dedicated love, sanctuary, bliss… What the fuck."

Anxiety gone, Changmin goes to hug Yunho, the bouquet stuck between them. She's kissing every inch of her face so she'll eventually stop trying to will her tears back into her eyes.

"When did you even do this," Yunho whines and sobs at the same time, and Changmin kisses her lips a couple of times to get her to shut up.

"I did it while I was laying on the floor of the meeting rooms. I spent 30 minutes making the associate list all of the flower meanings because I kept forgetting. I'm…not sure how exactly it all went down but I remember saying the message for the card and the lady was judging me, asking if I was sure that's what I wanted on the card," Changmin says. She starts to sway because Yunho is best pacified through movement and the gentle rocks eventually get her to open her eyes. For a while she just rests her head on Changmin's shoulder, taking time to parse through the different smells of the bouquet and the significance of all the flowers. Then, she lifts her head up to look Changmin straight in the eyes.

"You understand what this means, right?" Yunho says, eyes shiny through tears but burning with the passion Changmin knows better than anyone.

"What?"

"This means war."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u can explicitly tell the part where i stopped wanting to write sad shit n didnt care
> 
> as always, thank u for reading n the continued interest n support in my writing


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: slight alcohol mentions, casual transmisogyny/cissexism

Changmin has a separate 3DS for when she wants to play Animal Crossing.

All of her other friends have her added on her main one and she's always been self conscious about not only playing the game, but choosing the girl character too. Her therapist said a good coping mechanism for soul crushing anxiety and hopelessness was to do something menial with a lot of importance, so after months of not doing anything with the game she picked up out of curiousity, she's restarted it and put it to good use.

She has a methodical way of playing.

First she picks all the weeds. Since she's had time to play every day, there aren't many but she spend a good couple of minutes scouring her whole village for them. In the process of this, she talks to all of the villagers she encounters. Second, she checks the shops for new outfits. Her current one is a "preppy" look and her current hairstyle is a red ponytail, which she thinks clashes in an artistic way. After this, she works on paying off her debt. She likes to fish, manipulating the mechanics so that large finned fish show up more often than the smaller ones and she spends a good thirty minutes catching them to rack up money.

In the middle of waiting for one fish to bite, her phone goes off and she nearly throws her 3DS across the room in shock.

"You fucking made me lose my fish," she says, answering Yunho's call. She puts it on speaker so she doesn't have to hold it while playing her game, placing it on the back cushion of the couch she's laying on.

"What fish? You fish now?"

"I'm playing my game. Finned fish go for like 10,000 bells, maybe more," she says, resuming walking around the beach for more fish. "What's up?"

"They sent me the blind item the CEO told us about at dinner. If it gets enough interest they'll put out a report that we're unaware of," she says. Changmin hears knocking in the background and chooses not to be curious.

"Oh, like one of those things where it basically confirms they've been stalking us?"

"Basically. We should probably talk to the company about what kind of press release we should have ready whenever that time comes."

"Eugh. What's the blind item say then," Changmin asks. Her pockets are full in the game and she tries to rush through town to sell the fish but kills three flowers in the process, letting out a cuss after each.

"It says 'Hallyu legends E and F have recently been seeking treatment for bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Known for their clean image and professionalism, they've been able to keep their pain private and even from each other but after shared personal troubles they've confronted their sicknesses together. Their company has been almost violent towards any kind of assistance and through this their bond has only gotten stronger,'" Yunho reads, sounding like a news reporter as she goes.

"Wow. That's wildly obvious," Changmin says. "I like the throwing SM under the bus part though."

"Right? They'll contact me if things actually start moving. In other news, you seen your paycheck?"

"Yes. It's quite… big considering we gave them 20% instead. It's weird to look at."

"I'm donating a chunk of it to some charities. There's a bunch of smaller ones around mental health that can raise awareness and some about providing kids with disabilities care so I'll probably spread it around there." As Yunho finishes talking something crashes over the speaker and Changmin pauses from paying off a portion of her debt to stare at the phone in confusion.

"Send me the names, I'll donate too. But first, what the fuck are you doing?"

Yunho laughs. "Packing. Almost done. I found that huge comfy sweater you had that I stole, I'll wash it and wear it to the airport tomorrow."

"You've been packing these past few days? That's quite dedicated of you considering I brought you that basket of craft things that are your kind of distraction. And the person you are in general," she says.

There's a split second of glee when she finds out that the camel that gives out wallpapers and carpets is in town and she immediately begins to run errands for her. She recently added on a room to her house and she'd been wondering what direction to go in with it and typically having a guide helped fuel her creativity.

"Well, no, I mean I've played around with it but I've also been sitting on Hojun's couch feeling sorry for myself for letting my apartment get this filled with shit. He's helped me clean it all up though. Can you come over and sleep in my bed tonight?"

"Anything for you," Changmin says, feeling a bit dreamy when she checks the room. She's not sure how she feels about having a room that also doubles as the moon, so she decides this will be Yunho's room in her house. Since she's so interested in aliens and all. "Yunho, I'm making you a room in my game. It's going to be spaced themed with a bunch of lawn flamingoes, a space ship and a kiddie pool."

A giant crash comes over the phone as Yunho laughs sweetly, out of breath when she comes back to the receiver.

"Hey, Changminnie?" It's the tone she uses when she wants to say something heartfelt. Something in between tender and secretive.

"Yes?"

"I'd destroy a planet for you," she says in the same way she says "I love you."

"Oh? Which planet?" Changmin leans her head against the couch cushion and stares at her phone, wishing Yunho was actually there to herself privately although she wouldn't let her know this.

"Preferably Uranus."

Changmin changes her mind. She's glad Yunho's not in front of her.

"I'm hanging up."

"Changmin, no, don't hang up," she nearly squeals, giggles loud on speaker.

"Bye Yunho," Changmin says and she hangs up while Yunho screams her name in that high pitched cutesy voice that she does whenever she wants Changmin to do something not normal.

Sitting back on the couch, she stares down at her 3DS as her character stands around looking thoughtful with the items screen open. There's a heart balloon in her inventory so she chooses to place it in the middle of the lunar room she's dedicated to Yunho. Closing the 3DS and throwing it onto the carpet, she slides down the couch and puts a pillow over her face to scream off some of the excess emotions she has bubbling in her.

"Uranus. Why didn't I think of that?"

\---

When Changmin shows up at Yunho's apartment with her luggage, Yunho's walking around wearing nothing but the sweater.

"I thought you said you'd wear that tomorrow," Changmin says, leaving her suitcase at the door as she walks inside. Everything _is_  packed up, but the boxes are scattered all over the place instead of in a stacked pile in an accessible area. Like normal people who are moving usually do.

A box slides across the floor as Yunho kicks it to the side. Something cracks inside and the only reaction Yunho gives is to twist her lips to the side and ruffle her bleached hair.

"I took it out of the dryer and decided to put it on while it was still warm," Yunho says, meeting Changmin halfway to kiss her. They don't… stop kissing until Changmin realizes they're standing in Yunho's empty living room and she has food in her hand that they could be eating _right now_.

Yunho has no time for the kitchen so they just end up on top of Yunho's bed with all the blankets pushed up at the foot of it. Changmin decided to just get two already prepared meals so they eat while laying over each others legs, food in the diamond their legs make in the middle. She gave Yunho the one she wanted because she calculated for Yunho trying to steal off her plate so in the end they just end up feeding each other their own food.

Changmin likes to play too, making Yunho work for her food as she keeps it just out of reach. Yunho whines when Changmin prolongs feeding her or if she has to move too far and in the end she gives up under the power of Yunho's charm, feeding her like a giant baby.

"You have an appetite," she comments, seeing that Yunho's eaten most of the food.

"Yes," Yunho says, dragging it out sweetly. "This medicine makes me a lot hungrier. Also I sleep 5 hours _every night_."

" _Every_ night? That's impressive." Yunho puts a large amount of food into Changmin's mouth to shut her up and Changmin sucks on the chopsticks as she pulls them out, chewing with a grin as Yunho watches. "So I take it it's working?"

"Hm, uh. Okay, let's say the top of your head is mania and your feet is the depression. The medicine makes it so the mania is at your nipples and the depression is I don't know yet since I took it during a manic episode. The… psychotic stuff has gone anyway but only time will tell."

"As long as things are looking up, that's okay," she says. Yunho's mouth keeps getting messy because she moves her head too much when Changmin tries to feed her so she reaches over with a napkin to clean it up. "Messy."

Yunho gives a self satisfied smirk as Changmin's hand pulls off. Changmin wants to go for a kiss but her phone starts blaring, making her cuss at the sudden noise.

"Kyuhyun," she spits, picking up the phone because she'd rather tear him a new asshole than let it ring. "You called me during a wonderful dinner with my hot trophy wife and I'm just wondering, can I have anything? Is there something I did that prohibits me from having one day?"

Yunho laughs as Changmin rips into Kyuhyun, who's otherwise silent on the line.

"…Okay, okay calm down. See, the trophy wife, that's the thing. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. So you're saying is, Yunho hy- noona is a girl. So did she get a vagina? Did _you_?"

Changmin looks at her phone, somewhere between enraged and appalled. Yunho purses her lips and opens her eyes, the definitive face for "yikes". She grabs the phone from Changmin's hands.

"No, I have updog," she says, irritated at the intrusiveness.

Visibly deflating from angry god to less angry but still powerful being, Changmin's mouth twitches in some twisted version of a smile at Yunho's humor. "Isn't it bofa?"

Kyuhyun just hangs up before they can finish the joke.

They snicker as the screen locks, Yunho grabbing a large bite of food to feed to Changmin in compensation for how ridiculous a two minute conversation could be. Changmin nearly spits it out as she remembers Kyuhyun's reaction, but she keeps it in just to finish up the food. They throw the plates onto Yunho's nightstand and Changmin all but tackles her into the pillows, wrapping around her like an oversized sloth while Yunho lays on her back. Changmin throws her leg over Yunho's waist, hooking it under her thigh and tries to slide on top of her.

"You know, you're not tiny," Yunho says, as Changmin gets increasingly affectionate, laying kisses along her throat all the way to her chin. Yunho laughs as she blows a raspberry on her cheek and uses the opportunity to get an open mouth kiss, almost purring as Yunho reciprocates.

They break apart and Yunho squints and scrunches her nose, taunting Changmin who stares at her from above.

"You're right, though. I'm too big. It'd look weird if I piggy backed you and my legs touched the floor," Changmin says. She's brushing the hair out of Yunho's eyes, speaking emphatically while pouting. "I want to be small. I want to be small so you could carry me _everywhere_."

"We could do it. I could piggy back you through the airport and we can pretend like nothing was out of the ordinary. You can be small if you want, I'll carry you anywhere you want," she responds. Grabbing Changmin's face, she turns it left and right, staring at her nose and then running her finger down the bridge lightly. The fillers got moved out of place but it looks even cuter so she runs her finger back up and pushes lightly on her forehead. "Could you imagine?"

"The tracksuits. We should wear them. Walk through the airport completely serious, me on your back as we pass in front of the fansites."

"They're at your place, from when we took them home from the music video shoot. You seductively lying across the coffee table is my phone background," Yunho says, finishing by puckering her lips, asking for another kiss in a burst of fondness. Changmin gives her a peck and then puts her head down in the crook of Yunho's neck, smelling Yunho's scent mixed with scent of Yunho over doing dryer sheets for just one sweater. She smiles and she hopes Yunho can feel it. "Let me be on top now."

Changmin bites into her shoulder as she rolls over, Yunho landing on top with an "oof".

"The view is nice," is all she says as she stares down. Changmin blows in her face to get her to flinch away and Yunho bats her face to the side to stop the onslaught. When she calms down, she lays her head against Changmin's chest, hearing her steady heartbeat.

"Why can't I just lay in your bed forever," Changmin asks, hugging Yunho closer to her.

"'Cause that's not possible," Yunho says, frowning. "You have to get up to use the bathroom--"

"It's called an exaggeration. You would know," she responds, squeezing her tighter and rocking back and forth to rough her up. Calming down again, she brushes hair out of Yunho's eyes, running her fingers down her smile lines as she laughs. "Other people are annoying but you're so incredibly easy. It's easy to be next to you. I missed you."

"Oh."

"Oh what?"

"Oh, that's why I've been sparse lately because we're about to be up each other's assholes 24/7 while promoting. We've already been to so many photoshoots and interviews, I didn't want you to get tired out."

"Stupid," Changmin says. She runs her hand again through Yunho's hair, this time pushing her bangs up so they're dishoveled, hair standing up in place and falling over in a messy fashion. Looking at Yunho, she zones out while brushing her hair, pouting.

Yunho looks up at her through her eyelashes after a couple minutes of silence. The far away look Changmin that makes Yunho nervous is back on her face and she can't help but push at her lower lip.

"What do you think about when you get all in your head like that," she asks, squeezing Changmin's mouth like a fish.

"You, mostly," Changmin responds through a puckered mouth. "Is Yunho okay? Is she lonely? Has she eaten? She's cute. I love her. But does she know? How do I show it? I'm awestruck. Will she know if I touch her? Was that too mean? I really love her. Was that enough? What's she planning? I don't understand but I love it. Love, love, love, love--"

Yunho pinches her mouth shut and kisses her fish face.

"I love you," she says. Sweater paws wave in front of Changmin, begging to be held. When they link hands, Yunho begins to gyrate on her lap, looking entirely too smug. "You want to know what I'm planning?"

"Desperately," Changmin says, mouth parting as Yunho looks down on her with the face she makes when she knows she's hot, eyes low and smirking.

"Well, I'm not gonna tell you," she says, stopping abruptly. Yunho hops off Changmin's lap, bouncing on the bed once to get the momentum to land on her feet, running out of the room while laughing.

Changmin grabs a pillow and screams into it for the second time that day.

\---

"Hey, the rice is burning."

Yunho stops cutting scallions to gasp and look over at the rice cooker, then looks back to Changmin as she realizes she's been tricked. The crowd goes ballistic when she glares at Changmin sitting against the counter, giggling so hard she shakes.

Assuring the crowd, Yunho puts her hands up as if trying to calm them down. "Please don't think so lowly of me, I merely followed along for entertainment."

"EHHHHHHH," says the crowd.

Changmin coughs into her hand mockingly to stop the ruckus and blatant lies. "…Anyway, the onions are actually burning."

Looking down at the pan, Yunho lets out a shrill noise of shock and goes to move the onions around, some nearing blackened. She gets back on track by placing the sliced beef in the pan, covering it in sugar. She moves the food around to get the meat closer the the bottom.

For a couple of minutes there's nothing to do but interact with the crowd and each other, Yunho reassuring them all that her meal will be amazing this time, Changmin reminding her that gyudon was quite possibly one of the easiest meals she could have chosen. As Changmin says this, Yunho adds too much sake and mirin to the pan but not enough soy sauce, causing her to hold her face in her hands as she stares down at the slight error that completely alters the dish.

The only way Yunho learns that she fucked up is the crowd screaming "NO" and a cursory glance at Changmin's despair.

"It's part of my own recipe," Yunho says, clarifying as if she meant to do that. "Yunho's Kodogyudon. Gyudon for when you're lonely."

The crowd and Changmin both groan at the pun. Someone screams Yunho's name like they're currently being murdered.

Leaving the pan to simmer, Yunho breaks open some eggs and beats them, trying to pose as she swirls the chopsticks in the bowl. Changmin narrates as she beats her eggs stylishly, detailing her process as if she was a radio baseball commentator. Once Yunho finishes, she dramatically pours the eggs into the pan, smiling as if she was doing a piece of choreography. There's a brief moment after she puts down the bowl where she forgets what was next and Changmin, still commentating, comes from behind and dumps the scallions on top of it all.

"Teamwork," Changmin says, holding the mouthpiece and staring at the crowd as she holds up her hand for a high five from Yunho without looking over.

Pulling out bowls to plate the meal, Yunho puts a large amount of both rice and the gyudon in Changmin's bowl, sliding it over before serving herself. Changmin eyes it warily even though it does look okay, grabbing a piece of beef with some of the vegetables. Thoughtfully, Yunho and the crowd wait with baited breath to hear what she has to say.

"This dish," she says, putting down her chopsticks to focus, "could get you tipsy if you ate enough."

The crowd screams "WHAT" as Changmin takes a few more bites, Yunho tentatively tasting her own dish at the same time.

"I'm not saying it's bad, but it is definitely… Yunho's style."

Yunho looks proud at the not outright insult and puts her hands on her hips, turning towards the crowd with a cheeky smile. She holds up her bowl to the camera and gestures as if she's the model in an advertisement and Changmin snorts as she continues eating. Putting the bowl down, she turns to Changmin as she stuffs a particularly huge amount into her mouth.

"So you like it."

"It's okay," Changmin says, taking another bite.

"Hm. Have you read my apron?" Yunho pats her apron down to emphasis the bold red lettering underneath the fanmeet logo that reads "KISS THE COOK".

"Yes, I have." Changmin's gut twists as she gets an inkling of where this conversation is heading which is nowhere near where the loose script pointed towards. She leans against the counter on the side, arms crossing as she purses her lips, already done with whatever antic is going to happen.

"If you enjoy the meal you have to kiss the cook! It's tradition," Yunho says, and then turns to the crowd for validation.

"EHHHHHHHHH," says the most of the crowd, interspersed with people going "KYAAAAAAAA."

After she goes slackjawed at the request, Changmin recovers and waves at the crowd to quiet down, putting her finger up to her mouth to shush them. "Let's use our inside voices when dealing with people who say nonsense things."

"I'm being serious." Yunho taps the area on her cheek she wants Changmin to kiss, leaning her upper body closer to her as she does so. "Right here, let's go. A chef needs gratitude."

The crowd still titters, or loses it rather, and Changmin breaks a sweat. She'd love to kiss Yunho. She always wants to kiss Yunho. Yunho cooked a dish, barely fucking things up, and now she's turning on the cuteness and charm, which completely deserves at least one kiss. In private she'd probably go for her mouth instead, but she restrains herself by gripping the counter behind her with force.

"I can't kiss you, because… I don't like men," Changmin says, saving herself from the pause by sharpening the rejection. The innuendo is not lost on Yunho and she can't help but crack a smile at her reaction.

Yunho laughs, covering her mouth and closing her eyes tightly as she turns away from Changmin to lean against the other side of the counter. She recovers in a couple of seconds, trying to put on a serious face but ultimately failing as she holds out her hand.

"Then my hand."

Lips pursed in thought while staring Yunho in the eye, she nods after a few seconds. "Alright."

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAA," hollers the crowd, and the deafening sound turns into white noise as she stares at Yunho's hand.

Changmin watched an anime once where the main character modelled herself after a prince, this goal intensified by her need to protect a princess. At first she doesn't get where the thought comes from, but as she goes to grasp Yunho's hand, Changmin understands the mental connection fully and places her other arm behind her back as she bows before her. She kisses her hand lightly, looking up at her as she does so. It's an expression only Yunho can understand, and she confirms this when Yunho snatches her hand back, holding it as if burned.

The crowd's absolute intensity finally hits Changmin again and she sinks to the floor to pretend she didn't just enjoy having a whole conversation without words in front of thousands of their own fans.

"Never again," she says into her mic as she turns away from one of the cameramen trying to film her fake mental breakdown of doing something gay. She throws in a couple of retching noises for effect.

"Staff? Next time please make my guest host a woman so the kiss is more enjoyable," Yunho says, trying to save face. "If there were any children in the audience, I'll start writing the apology letters to your parents."

\---

"Is saying 'I love you' after sex still a faux pas? I love you."

Changmin strokes Yunho's soft stomach with her thumb as she spoons her, smelling Yunho's still damp hair from the shower they took when they came back to the dorm. Something like roses, something purely Yunho.

"We just had really emotional sex where we both cried and said 'I love you' multiple times. And it's not like you're frugal with saying that anyway," Changmin says, pressing a kiss to Yunho's shoulder. "I bought you a hairclip and you looked at me so seriously and told me you loved me."

"It's a nice hairclip," Yunho murmurs, hand reaching down to hold Changmin's. For a minute they rest in silence, Changmin's forehead now pressed to her shoulder and Yunho rubbing circles in between her pointer finger and thumb. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm starving, frankly." Huffing into her back, she squeezes Yunho tightly a few times. "Take me on a date and buy me a lot food so my six pack can return to hell."

They get dressed in a comfortable silence and head out into the night. It's fresh outside and this part of the city is quiet and sleepy so they decide to walk to a place they frequent whenever they stay in Japan. On the way, they find a flower shop about to close and Yunho tells Changmin to wait outside as she goes in to make a purchase. A few minutes later she walks out with a bouquet of violets and hands them to her without any preamble, walking away in a cheery fashion while Changmin takes time to process the decision.

When they get to the restaurant, Changmin puts the flowers next to her, every so often looking at them. They eat their favorites and challenge each other to see who can drink sake bombs the fastest. Changmin wins and Yunho gurgles a bit when she slams the glass down. Yunho gives her the rest of her food as a prize, mostly because she can't finish it.

"I forgot to say, I like your hair. White blonde is adventurous," Changmin says, conceding a compliment after winning their competition. It's been bleached for a couple of weeks as they did numerous photoshoots and their music video but it only dawns on Changmin now that constantly playing with it isn't the same as saying it out loud.

Closing her eyes, Yunho sips at her beer and pretends to act put off. "I'm going to be bald in a couple of months so I might as well have fun. Cody has all these hair chalks so you can ask her if you ever feel left out on enjoying life with your boring hair."

Changmin kicks her under the table and feigns innocence after she yelps.

As they pay, the owner strikes up a conversation about how he heard Yunho would be leaving soon and how he'll miss her patronage. They promise to come back one more time before that, leaving after signing a couple more signatures.

Even after food, they're still restless so they wander a couple of blocks down and find a small worn down playground.

There's a concrete dome that's interspersed with a couple of holes, and they explore that first.

Yunho sits down in the light cast through one of the holes in the roof and pats a space on her lap for Changmin to sit down. She scowls at the partially dirty floor, hand squeezing the stems of her bouquet. "It's dirty."

"Everything is dirty. You're dirty. There's like a million bacteria in your mouth and I still stick my tongue it in. Laying your head in my lap won't kill you."

There isn't much fight in her because she's feeling lighter from the alcohol more than anything so she goes to Yunho's side to rest her head on her lap. She holds her flowers against her chest and looks up at the moonlight pouring through the holes of the dome.

"Is this part of the war?" The petals of the violets are soft and the scent calms her down as she combs through them, Yunho's hand playing with her hair as she does this.

"No, this is part of the date. There's a second part of the gift though. I'm gonna make you a flower crown," Yunho says, wiggling and poking Changmin's cheek. It gets her laughing as she hands Yunho the bouquet.

"Why violets?"

Yunho takes out a couple of the flowers, trying to shorten the stems before beginning the braiding. "There was this lady named Sappho that lived a long time ago on a Greek island called Lesbos. She wrote a poem about her lover being covered in violets and I guess this inspired other ladies who love ladies over time to give violets to their lovers. Beyond that, violet is your color."

After Changmin makes a couple of kissy noises, they fall into silence as Yunho works on the crown. Her fingers are careful and precise, concentration painting her face. There's always been a deep admiration for how Yunho works in Changmin, the way she completes things to the end, undeterred. As she finishes the crown, she strokes Changmin's face gently to get her to sit up.

When she does, Yunho motions for her to bow her head and bestows her with the crown. In the moonlight she looks radiant and Yunho stares, leaning her head against the wall of the dome as she soaks in her image. A flash of uncertainity comes across Changmin's face due to the silence but Yunho reassures her with another caress to the face and takes out her phone for a picture.

"Is KakaoStory private or can anyone see?" Yunho mumbles, opening up her camera and focusing it on Changmin's face.

"I think it's private but if not I'm sure there's a friends only setting." A flutter runs through her stomach at the thought of Yunho posting pictures of her to her timeline. Changmin tries to pose but it's different when it's just Yunho and there isn't the hustle of a film set. The camera clicks and Yunho checks the picture.

"Eh, don't make that face you always do in selfies. The one where you look terrified." She deletes the photo and holds it up again, her face purposely not blocked by the phone. "Look at me instead."

Changmin does and she understands why. There's a soft look Yunho gets in her eyes when she's emotional, something she's seen multiple times in the past few years but now that she knows the feelings behind it, it's wholly overwhelming. The emotions from earlier that night make a full resurgence and Changmin feels boneless, a calm passing over her that drains the tension out of her body, replacing it with warmth.

She takes a couple of pictures as Changmin melts and then pulls her close to review them.

There are very select moments when Changmin thinks she is beautiful. For a very long time staring at herself in the mirror made her nauseous, self consciousness making her sweat and turn away. She's a lot older now, more secure in her image, but that teenage boy that called himself a monster still lived somewhere in her mind and on bad days (or just weak moments) the insecurity surfaces. There are many times she'll think 'handsome' or something safe like 'hot', but as Yunho scrolls through the pictures, she chooses beautiful. Knowing Yunho thinks the same makes the emotions gather in her throat, burning and difficult to swallow around.

Changmin only notices she's crying when Yunho wipes a tear away with her thumb, hugging her tightly.

"What's wrong with us today," Changmin asks with difficulty around the lump in her throat.

"Full moon," is all Yunho responds with as she opens up the app. She attaches the picture and ponders what the caption should be before just going for the smiling full moon emoji. Yunho locks her phone before she's tempted to read the 20 messages Heechul has sent her and leans over to press multiple pecks to Changmin's head playfully, trying to get her to smile.

Changmin looks up at her and then grabs what's left of the bouquet and holds it out to her. "Teach me how to make one for you."

Yunho laughs softly, looking down at Changmin with such fondness that she turns away to blush while Yunho fixes the stems. Every day they always find some new way to be intimate, and today it's Yunho gently guiding Changmin's fingers through every braid of the crown. Eventually Changmin gets the hang of it and works her away around to the end, inspecting her handiwork before placing it on Yunho's head, fixing her hair so it doesn't stick out weirdly.

"Gorgeous," says Changmin as Yunho turns her head, posing with her hands playfully. They both laugh and Changmin pulls out her phone before Yunho stops to take a few pictures of her in joy. She prods her a couple of times in the side to keep her laughing and she gets close to 15 photos before yanking on Yunho's shirt to prevent her from falling over while giggling. Pulling her into sitting in between her legs, Changmin leans onto her so they're cheek to cheek. "You have the cutest laugh."

"Why thank you," Yunho says, trying nuzzle her cheek as she takes out her own phone. "Your's is right up there next to mine."

They take selfies of each other at the same time, pulling different faces to make each other laugh. In one photo they're turned to each other, mock-scowling, in another they've pressed their cheeks together again, the chub in their faces pushing their mouths to the side and making their eyes squint. Changmin bends down to laugh and goes through her gallery to find the last one, bringing it to Yunho's face.

"That's the next album cover."

"Get out of here," Yunho laughs, pushing Changmin on the shoulder. She gets up and dusts off her jeans, sticking her butt out to pat at it in Changmin's direction. In response Changmin pushes at her butt lightly with her foot. In response to _that_ , Yunho squeezes out of one of the holes in the dome, her hips getting stuck for a moment before just dropping to the floor outside.

Changmin sticks her head out of another hole and sees Yunho running toward the swings, laughing and spinning as she goes. She walks out of the entrance of the dome, like not a child, and jogs over to the swingset where Yunho waits for her.

"You want me to push you?" Yunho looks up at Changmin from her seat, lightly swinging.

"Yes, yes I do," Changmin responds haughtily as she goes to sit down on the other one. Way too energetic for the middle of the night, Yunho bounces up to get behind her. Two large hands press into her back and she does absolutely nothing to help Yunho, which in turn causes her to increase the force when pushing her. After a while Changmin takes pity on Yunho's effort and starts swinging her legs to ease the burden. Yunho doesn't notice this though, so soon Changmin is parallel to the ground, with Yunho having to reach up to push at her butt.

She doesn't want to die today so she scuffs her feet on the dirt to slow down, reaching back to slap at Yunho's hand as she tries to keep pushing.

"You have to jump," Yunho whines as Changmin comes back to a somewhat safer elevation. "It's practically in the rules of swinging."

"I'm going to bust my ass, I'm not like you," Changmin whines back, holding on to the chain tighter at the suggestion. The nagging feeling that says things don't work out peacefully in her favor compared to Yunho tells her to just put her feet down once and for all.

"No you won't! Trust me."

Changmin groans to herself, looking at how far the floor is but feels Yunho's gentle hand on her back one last time and makes a decision.

She lands on her feet but the velocity has her stumbling forward a few steps to slow down. There's a moment of the leftover terror of falling, but she realizes she hasn't. Somehow it feels like magic, Yunho's magic, and a chill goes through her.

Letting out a breath, she turns to face Yunho to crow about how she did but Yunho beats her to it because she's being picked up and spun around. They're both laughing until Yunho's text message tone goes off multiple times in a row and she has to put Changmin down to angrily checking her phone.

As she scrolls, her eyes widen and she turns up to Changmin, looking mystified.

"Hey, Changminnie, what does a perfect all kill mean?"

There's a split second of confusion before the meaning dawns on Changmin. Grabbing onto Yunho's shoulders, they both exhale into shuddered giggles, like they've been holding onto a breath. Changmin pulls her into a bear hug and they hold onto each other in an empty playground somewhere on the outskirts Tokyo.

She rides on Yunho's back to the dorm that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. the dying fan in the crowd is my self insert OC princex marisol de pinga the 3rd.  
> 2\. the way i write this story is essentially i write a bunch of scenes that pop into my head n pick the ones out that make the most sense n hope i remember what the fuck my own canon was. im so sorry for this but the disaster is probably just my style. this is my first story thats been over 5k so that only intensifies that. i am just a child writer plea do not judge me  
> 3\. as always, thanks for reading my writing n i hope u enjoyed. have a good night/day


End file.
